[Intro — storybook voice] Three thieves. Thirty-three things. Thursday. Three-thirty-three. Seems simple enough. …doesn’t it? [Verse 1] Three thieves thieved thirty-three things, Thursday at three by the thrift-shop springs, Three gold chains and two cheap rings, Black lace bra with adjustable strings. Bottle of bourbon, bottle of gin, Half-pack smokes and a flask of sin, Three scratch-offs that never could win, And a motel key with a lipstick grin. One set cuffs and a leather-bound book, One fake Rolex somebody took, Two little baggies— don’t give me that look— And somebody stole somebody’s dirty old cookbook. Condoms, cologne, cheap champagne, One pink thong with a mystery stain, Divorce papers marked with somebody’s name, And a burner-phone buzzing like, “DON’T EXPLAIN.” [Hook] Three thieves thieved thirty-three things, Bad decisions tied up with strings, Three thieves thought they were criminal kings, Till the things they thieved started ruining things. Three thieves! Thirty-three! Thursday! Three-thirty-three! Try saying that drunk faster than me. [Verse 2 — faster] One brass lighter, one hotel card, One unpaid ticket from somebody’s yard, Poker chips, dice and a maxed-out card, Plus a wedding ring thrown down hard. Mini-bar vodka, peppermint schnapps, Two fake IDs and three bottle caps, One weird whip in a gift-store wrap— Thief two said, “NOPE. Put that one back.” Three red heels and a bottle of lube, One cheap camera and a lava-lamp tube, One handwritten number that just said “Jude,” And a text on the burner: “YOU STILL COMING THROUGH?” Thief one froze. Thief two stared. Thief three said, “Why is there underwear everywhere?” Nobody answered. Nobody dared. Then somebody noticed— there were thirty-four things there. [Hook] Three thieves thieved thirty-three things, Cheap thrills, bad bills, questionable flings, Three thieves thought they were criminal kings, Now nobody knows who owns anything. Three thieves! Thirty-three! Thursday! Three-thirty-three! Tongue tied? Too bad. Keep up with me. [Verse 3 — double-time] Thirty-three things and three thick thieves, Three fake names written under their sleeves, Cuffs, cards, condoms, keys, Cheap champagne and bad guarantees. Bourbon bottle bouncing by a broken blackjack, Burner phone buzzing in a burgundy backpack, Scratch-card stash in a cracked Cadillac— Then thief three whispered, “Guys… somebody stole the cash.” “WHO TOOK THE MONEY?” “Wasn’t me.” “You had the wallet.” “That was thief three.” “I AM thief three.” “Then who the hell is he?” Everybody stopped. Fourth guy. Standing there casually wearing the thong and holding the whiskey. [Break — spoken] Okay. That raises several questions. None of which I currently want answered. [Final Verse — ridiculous speed] Three drunk thieves with thirty-three trinkets, Three bad plans and twelve worse instincts, Gin got spilled and the handcuffs clinked, Nobody remembers what anybody thinks. Cards got swapped, keys got tossed, somebody kissed somebody’s ex-boss, Wedding ring missing, burner phone lost, scratch-off won— then somebody scratched it across. Booze, bras, bills, bad motel thrills, cheap little pills in expensive little frills, Cuffs went click, phone went ring, door kicked open— EVERYBODY SING! [Final Hook] Three thieves thieved thirty-three things, Thursday at three doing questionable things, Three thieves thought they were criminal kings, Now one’s wearing lingerie and nobody knows anything. Three thieves! Thirty-three! Thursday! Three-thirty-three! Thirty-three things went in the sack… Thirty-two came back. Nobody ask.
