[Spoken Intro] Welcome to Martha’s outdoor living. Today, we’ll be turning a perfectly pleasant hotel staircase into an endless fucking nightmare. It’s a good thing. [Verse 1] Twenty-two years old from down Wānaka way, Building houses and destroying legs every day, Grew up chasing sheep through the Southland rain, Now he hunts for fun and runs through pain. Signed up for free training and some stronger hill legs, Then flew to Fiji where the landscape went dead, No mountain, no ridgeline, no suitable route, Just 3 metres of stairs and no easy way out. [Pre-Chorus] Up past reception, Down past the pool, The guests started staring, “Who invited this fool?” [Chorus] DEAN “MARTHA” STEWART! HE’S REDESIGNED THE STAIRS! A LITTLE SLICE OF REVENANT IN FIJI’S TROPIC AIR! DEAN “MARTHA” STEWART! HE’LL MAKE YOUR STAIRCASE HURT! A THOUSAND METRES, 3 AT A TIME, IN HIS SWEATY HOLIDAY SHIRT! [Verse 2] But hotel stairs are nothing when you know where he’s been, Welcome Rock country where the devil lives in, No watch, no GPS, just compass and map, And 60 hours waiting to spring the trap. Three Revenant loops while the field disappeared, Two former finishers beaten by a 19-year-old beard, Nobody finished, but Dean went the most, Last man standing in the land of the ghosts. [Heavy Chorus] DEAN “MARTHA” STEWART! THE REVENANT KING! ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY K AND HE STILL WANTED BACK IN! DEAN “MARTHA” STEWART! TWELVE THOUSAND METRES HIGH! HE MISSED LOOP 4 BY THE SKIN OF HIS TEETH, THEN ASKED WHEN HE COULD TRY! [Verse 3] Eight hundred and fifty K at the Adventure Racing Worlds, While normal 20-year-olds were messaging girls, One hundred and fifty hours trekking, biking and boats, Ninth in the world with his team still afloat. Second at Northburn, a hundred-mile fight, Won Motatapu after running through the night, Longest Day Coast to Coast, then back to the hills, Apparently recovery is for people with bills. [Breakdown] He likes hunting a lot… His favourite food is a meat pie… His dream race began at midnight… On the 31st of July. And his goal? “WIN.” [Final Chorus] DEAN “MARTHA” STEWART! THE HOTEL STAIRCASE KING! SIXTY ACTIVITIES DEEP AND STILL OUT THERE SUFFERING! DEAN “MARTHA” STEWART! HE’S BUILT FOR THIS ALRIGHT! HE’LL BUILD YOUR HOUSE FROM 7 TILL 5 THEN CLIMB THE STAIRS ALL NIGHT! RUN! HIKE! SURVIVE! KEEP THE MARTHA DREAM ALIVE! [Outro] More stairs. More vert. More meat pies. Martha’s work here is never done.
