Stepping out in Mayfair in immaculate tweed, A gentleman’s morning is dandy indeed. My pith helmet polished, my walking cane twirled, Not a singular care in this marvelous world. I’m binning a wrapper some bounder has tossed, While Bruiser is plotting what liberties cost. Seventy-two kilos of ebony hound, The heaviest unit currently found. He’s tracking the pickpockets, sussing the blaggers, Meeting their glares with a couple of daggers. I haven't a muscle, I’m built like a twig, But I rule the estate 'cause my puppy is big. I say, it appears we have riff-raff ahead, Looking for bovver and lacking in bred. A gang of miscreants blocking the way, But panic is awfully terribly gauche, I must say. Hmm. Let us address them. Excuse me, you rotters who block up the street, Looking for trouble and acting off-beat. Before you attempt to dissect me like frogs... Oi mate... Apologies, gentlemen? Yes, on your way. Toodle-pip, bounders, and have a blessed day! Ah, lovely. I handle the paperwork, ethics, and style, The tailoring, grooming, and charming profile. Bruiser takes care of the physics of dread, The tactical logic, the teeth and the head. We’re a modern day Robin Hood team of the street, Without all the tights, just a lot of raw meat. He looks like a pony who swallowed a bear, So mind your Ps, Qs, and your general flair. A kerfuffle in Soho, a pub spilling out, A barrage of bottles, a terrible shout! The coppers are absent, the chaos is ripe, I step on a bench and I pocket my pipe. I tap on my watch and I clear out my throat, A ruffian grabs me right by the tweed coat. I raise up the megaphone, brass and refined, And deliver the phrase to dismantle his mind. Excuse me, you rotters who wreck up the street, Looking for trouble and acting off-beat. Before you attempt to dissect me like frogs... OI MATE... (Silence descends. The sound of broken glass dropping.) Right then. Excellent. Run along home, lads. Good boy, Bruiser. Who’s a lovely little harbinger of doom? You are. Yes, you are. Such a good lad for not eating the barman. Come along now, let's go get some crumpets. (Deep, happy Woof) Jolly good.
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