W.T.F. Are My Keys?! + Everything Else

[Cold Open — Voice 1, frantic, no music] Where da fuck ah my keys? Where da fuck ah my keys? Where da fuck ah my keys? Where da fuck ah my keys? [Voice 2 — dry, irritated] When da last time you seen ’em? [Voice 1 — beat drops] If I knew that— I wouldn’t be lookin’! [Hook — chopped Baltimore club bounce] Where—where—where— Where da fuck ah my keys? Keys—keys—keys—keys— Where da fuck ah my keys? Check the couch! Checked the couch! Check your bag! Checked my bag! They in your hand? Girl, don’t make me mad! [Dance Break — chopped vocal samples] Where da—where da— Where da fuck— Keys! Keys! Keys! Keys! Where da fuck ah my— Where da fuck ah my— Where da fuck ah my keys? [Voice 2] Yo… you got your phone? [PAUSE] [Voice 1] …My phone? [Beat cuts] WHERE DA FUCK MY PHONE?! [Beat Drop] Check the couch! Checked the couch! Check the bed! Checked the bed! Check the kitchen! Checked the kitchen! Damn— I can’t even call my phone! [Chopped Hook] Phone—phone—phone—phone! Where da fuck my phone? Keys—keys—keys—keys! Where da fuck my keys? [Voice 2 — dry] What time is it? [PAUSE] [Voice 1] …My watch. [Silence] I ain’t got my watch. [Beat Drop] WHERE DA FUCK MY WATCH?! [Dance Break] Keys! Phone! Watch! Keys! Phone! Watch! I got no time! I got no phone! I got no keys! How the hell am I supposed to go?! [Voice 2] You got your wallet? [PAUSE] [Voice 1] …Don’t ask me that. [Beat cuts] WHERE DA FUCK MY WALLET?! [Explosive Drop] Wallet! Wallet! Wallet! Check the jacket! Checked the jacket! Check the pants! Checked the pants! Check by the door! Checked by the door! I checked right there Like four times before! [Hook] Where—where—where— Where da fuck ah my keys? Phone—phone—phone— Where da fuck my phone? Watch—watch—watch— Where da fuck my watch? Wallet—wallet—wallet— WHERE DA FUCK MY WALLET?! [Music cuts out] [Voice 2 — completely calm] So… you ready to go? [Long Pause] [Voice 1] I got no keys. No phone. No watch. No wallet. [Pause] …But I’m ready. [Voice 2] Ready for what? [Silence] [Voice 1] … … … What was I gonna do? [Beat stutters] Where was I goin’? [Voice 2] You don’t remember? [Voice 1] … No. [Final Beat Drop] WHERE WAS I GOIN’?! Goin’—goin’—goin’— Where the fuck was I goin’? Keys! Phone! Watch! Wallet! Got none of that— AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M GOIN’! [Chopped Outro] Where was I— Where was I— Where the fuck was I goin’? Keys—gone! Phone—gone! Watch—gone! Wallet—gone! Plans—gone! … Wait. Was I even supposed to leave? [Final vocal chop] Where was I goin’? Where was I goin’? Where was I— Where was I— … Fuck.