[Three phones ring] Hold, please. Hold, please. Hold, please. Your fantasy matters deeply to us, but not more than the other three fantasies currently flashing red. [Callers] Hello? Is this Jasmine? Is this Raven? Is this the Scottish veterinarian? Is this the lady who likes trains? Viv: Yes. Sure. Absolutely. Choo-choo, darling. Line one wants a widow with a mansion by the sea. Line two wants a cheerleader who majored in forestry. Line three wants me furious. Line four wants me shy. Line five has asked repeatedly if dolphins ever lie. I’ve got Duchess on the landline, Nurse Desiree on hold, a cowboy asking gently if his aura feels too old. [Ensemble] Hold, please. Your call is very hot. We value every fantasy except the ones we forgot. Hold, please. Remain emotionally near. Your estimated wait time is between one minute and a year. [Supervisor chime] Brenda: Viv, your average handle time is forty seconds high. Viv: Caller seven proposed to me and then began to cry. Brenda: Redirect toward fantasy. Do not discuss your life. Viv: He asked if I had children. Brenda: Tell him you’re his wife. Viv: That seems psychologically reckless. Brenda: It tested well in Phoenix. Viv: Of course it did. [Keypad rhythm] Caller: Are you wearing red? Viv: Scarlet. Caller: Are you very tall? Viv: Enormous. Caller: Are you in a castle? Viv: Yes, but the castle has a washer that keeps stopping mid-cycle. Caller: What? Viv: Dragon. I said dragon. [Ensemble] Hold, please. There’s passion in the queue. A highly trained professional will fabricate for you. Hold, please. Her patience has a price. For empathy, press seven. For degradation, press twice. [Fake hold music] Recorded Voice: Your desire is important. Your desire is secure. Your desire may be monitored for coaching and quality assurance. Viv: Nothing makes desire blossom like quality assurance. I’ve got one man barking, one man dressed like Cher, one requesting silence while I breathe into the air. One says he’s a titan. One says he’s a king. One has spent eleven dollars explaining blockchain mining. My headset light is blinking. My left eye has gone numb. Someone’s playing harmonica directly through his thumb. Brenda: Viv, smile through your voice. Viv: Brenda, smile through my invoice. [Ensemble] Hold, please. Don’t disconnect in fear. Your estimated wait time is your remaining mortal years. [Everything stops except one line] Viv: Hello? Kevin: Hi. Viv: Kevin? Kevin: You remembered. Viv: You’ve called four times this week and asked if I was eating chips. Kevin: Were you? Viv: Hold, please. [Soft piano]
