I Wanna Be a Dungeon Master

progressive folk, theatrical/vaudeville, cinematic orchestral horror

[Intro - harpsichord]

DM (Curry, purring):

Ohhhh welcome, welcome, do come in, leave your hope outside with the rest of your kin — don't mind the stain, don't read the sign, the last group didn't, and they did just fine.

I'm your Dungeon Master, your nightmare, your host, your kindly narrator, your murderous ghost — you brought your sheets? you brought your dice? oh darling, oh darling, you'll roll them twice.

Tonight, my sweet lambs, I have something divine — a dungeon hand-crafted. A campaign all mine.

[V1 - Tavern]

You walk into a tavern — of course you do — the barkeep's got a scar and a quest for you, the hooded man in the corner has lore to share, the wench has plot hooks woven in her hair.

You laugh at the drunk who's slumped on the floor, but the drunk is the god of this whole damn war — you tipped the bard, you didn't tip me, and the dice, oh the dice, remember everything.

Roll perception. Roll it fast — a four? oh sweetheart, alas — you missed the glint, you missed the knife, you missed the assassin ending your life.

[Pre-Chorus - drums, choir hum]

You thought this was a game, you thought the dice were fair, you thought because you rolled a paladin I wouldn't even care — you thought your backstory would shield you from the storm.

Oh no, my love. Oh no, oh no.

[Chorus 1 - organ, toms, choir, brass, gang]

I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! (AAAH!) LAYING TRAPS AND ROLLING DISASTER! (AAAH!)

Pit! Spike! Gas! Fire! Rocks fall — everyone expire! (EXPIRE!)

I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! WATCHING HOPES BURN FASTER AND FASTER!

Roll! For! Initiative! You won't survive this narrative.

[V2 - Forest - theremin]

You leave the town, you take the path, you hear the wolves, you do the math — but wolves are easy, wolves are sweet, wolves aren't what you're about to meet.

You pass a panther lounging slow — you swing your sword, you strike the blow, but the panther's over there, not here, oh displacer beast, my dear, my dear.

The rogue spots a stalactite up high — it drops. It's a piercer. Say goodbye.

The wizard says don't touch the stone — the rogue, of course, is touching the stone. The fighter says I touch the stone. The bard licks the stone.

Roll me a constitution save. A one. Oh honey.

[Bridge - tribal stomp]

Down the stairs, down the stairs, mind the gaps and mind the snares — down the stairs, down the stairs, nobody up there cares.

You see a chest. Oh lovely chest. Gold-rimmed, oak-bound, treasure-blessed — the rogue leans in, the rogue extends… oh darling — that's a mimic, friend.

The door ahead? Also a mimic. The floor? Mimic. The ceiling? Mimic. The tavern wench from scene one? MIMIC.

The fighter's armour starts to rust — rust monster, loves, he turns to dust. A corridor? No, don't be rude — that's a gelatinous cube. It's food.

Your buddy smiles. He smiles too wide. Doppelganger. Your real friend died.

(gang): Roll. Save. Die. Repeat.

DM (Hamill, unhinged): Cleric's out of healing! Rogue at one hit point! Bard's licking something else now, I don't care, IT'S POISON TOO!

[V3 - Boss - full band, Latin choir]

And then — behold! — we reach the core, the final chamber, the final floor — a beholder floats with a grinning sneer, ten eyes, ten beams, ten ways to disappear.

Wizard casts fireball — oh how cute — she's immune, my love, it's moot. Paladin smites! A natural twenty! (OOOOOH!) oh wait — the confirm… a one. (NOOOOO!)

I made that rule up. I'm the DM. I AM GOD IN THIS ROOM.

[Chorus 2 - everything, Hamill]

I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! (AAAH!) BENDING FATE WITH CACKLING LAUGHTER! (AAAH!)

Pit! Spike! Gas! Fire! Rocks fall — everyone expire! (EXPIRE!)

I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! EVERY PLAYER'S EVER-AFTER!

Roll! For! Initiative! You won't survive this narrative.

[Breakdown - solo harpsichord, funeral]

The paladin has fallen, the rogue is bleeding slow, the wizard used her final slot on prestidigitato — oh honey, why.

The bard? Still licking things. Doesn't know yet.

And so we close the book, and so we fold the screen, and so we gather up the dice and mourn what might have been.

Same time next week?

(all): YES, DM!

[Final Chorus]

I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! (AAAH!) LAYING TRAPS AND ROLLING DISASTER! (AAAH!)

Rocks fall — everyone expire! (EXPIRE!)

I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! EVERY SESSION ENDS IN DISASTER!

Roll for initiative — (ROLL!) You won't survive this narrative — (DIE!)

I'm the DM.

[Outro - harpsichord, whisper]

Oh you were marvellous, darlings, simply divine — the cleric, the rogue, the bard, the swine — put the minis in the box, put the dice in the bag, put the character sheets in the bin, love — you won't be needing those again.

4665/7500

[Intro - harpsichord] DM (Curry, purring): Ohhhh welcome, welcome, do come in, leave your hope outside with the rest of your kin — don't mind the stain, don't read the sign, the last group didn't, and they did just fine. I'm your Dungeon Master, your nightmare, your host, your kindly narrator, your murderous ghost — you brought your sheets? you brought your dice? oh darling, oh darling, you'll roll them twice. Tonight, my sweet lambs, I have something divine — a dungeon hand-crafted. A campaign all mine. [V1 - Tavern] You walk into a tavern — of course you do — the barkeep's got a scar and a quest for you, the hooded man in the corner has lore to share, the wench has plot hooks woven in her hair. You laugh at the drunk who's slumped on the floor, but the drunk is the god of this whole damn war — you tipped the bard, you didn't tip me, and the dice, oh the dice, remember everything. Roll perception. Roll it fast — a four? oh sweetheart, alas — you missed the glint, you missed the knife, you missed the assassin ending your life. [Pre-Chorus - drums, choir hum] You thought this was a game, you thought the dice were fair, you thought because you rolled a paladin I wouldn't even care — you thought your backstory would shield you from the storm. Oh no, my love. Oh no, oh no. [Chorus 1 - organ, toms, choir, brass, gang] I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! (AAAH!) LAYING TRAPS AND ROLLING DISASTER! (AAAH!) Pit! Spike! Gas! Fire! Rocks fall — everyone expire! (EXPIRE!) I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! WATCHING HOPES BURN FASTER AND FASTER! Roll! For! Initiative! You won't survive this narrative. [V2 - Forest - theremin] You leave the town, you take the path, you hear the wolves, you do the math — but wolves are easy, wolves are sweet, wolves aren't what you're about to meet. You pass a panther lounging slow — you swing your sword, you strike the blow, but the panther's over there, not here, oh displacer beast, my dear, my dear. The rogue spots a stalactite up high — it drops. It's a piercer. Say goodbye. The wizard says don't touch the stone — the rogue, of course, is touching the stone. The fighter says I touch the stone. The bard licks the stone. Roll me a constitution save. A one. Oh honey. [Bridge - tribal stomp] Down the stairs, down the stairs, mind the gaps and mind the snares — down the stairs, down the stairs, nobody up there cares. You see a chest. Oh lovely chest. Gold-rimmed, oak-bound, treasure-blessed — the rogue leans in, the rogue extends… oh darling — that's a mimic, friend. The door ahead? Also a mimic. The floor? Mimic. The ceiling? Mimic. The tavern wench from scene one? MIMIC. The fighter's armour starts to rust — rust monster, loves, he turns to dust. A corridor? No, don't be rude — that's a gelatinous cube. It's food. Your buddy smiles. He smiles too wide. Doppelganger. Your real friend died. (gang): Roll. Save. Die. Repeat. DM (Hamill, unhinged): Cleric's out of healing! Rogue at one hit point! Bard's licking something else now, I don't care, IT'S POISON TOO! [V3 - Boss - full band, Latin choir] And then — behold! — we reach the core, the final chamber, the final floor — a beholder floats with a grinning sneer, ten eyes, ten beams, ten ways to disappear. Wizard casts fireball — oh how cute — she's immune, my love, it's moot. Paladin smites! A natural twenty! (OOOOOH!) oh wait — the confirm… a one. (NOOOOO!) I made that rule up. I'm the DM. I AM GOD IN THIS ROOM. [Chorus 2 - everything, Hamill] I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! (AAAH!) BENDING FATE WITH CACKLING LAUGHTER! (AAAH!) Pit! Spike! Gas! Fire! Rocks fall — everyone expire! (EXPIRE!) I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! EVERY PLAYER'S EVER-AFTER! Roll! For! Initiative! You won't survive this narrative. [Breakdown - solo harpsichord, funeral] The paladin has fallen, the rogue is bleeding slow, the wizard used her final slot on prestidigitato — oh honey, why. The bard? Still licking things. Doesn't know yet. And so we close the book, and so we fold the screen, and so we gather up the dice and mourn what might have been. Same time next week? (all): YES, DM! [Final Chorus] I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! (AAAH!) LAYING TRAPS AND ROLLING DISASTER! (AAAH!) Rocks fall — everyone expire! (EXPIRE!) I WANNA BE A DUNGEON MASTER! EVERY SESSION ENDS IN DISASTER! Roll for initiative — (ROLL!) You won't survive this narrative — (DIE!) I'm the DM. [Outro - harpsichord, whisper] Oh you were marvellous, darlings, simply divine — the cleric, the rogue, the bard, the swine — put the minis in the box, put the dice in the bag, put the character sheets in the bin, love — you won't be needing those again.

0/500