Are You My Tiger Wife?

Are You My Tiger Wife? [LONG INSTRUMENTAL INTRO — dramatic tabla rolls, frantic dholak, enormous sitar flourishes, sarangi cries, bansuri runs, harmonium pumping, tanpura drone, hand claps, ghungroo, huge orchestral strings, exaggerated Bollywood fanfare] [VERSE 1] My family found my perfect match, They said, “Son, she’s quite a catch!” Her picture looked so sweet and nice, Then I met her — OH! WHAT A PRICE! They said, “Your match is meant to be!” I said, “Wait… she matched with ME?” She held my hand, I felt so proud, Then five sharp claws came popping out! [BREAK — sudden tabla stop, dramatic orchestral hit] Are you my tiger wife? Are you my tiger wife? Was this a match made in heaven? Or a match with claws for life? [CHORUS — huge Bollywood call-and-response] MATCHED! MATCHED! “That’s what they said!” MATCHED! MATCHED! “I should have fled!” TIGER WIFE! “What did I choose?” “I got a bride with tiger shoes!” **[INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE — frantic dholak, tabla, sitar, sarangi, bansuri, harmonium, hand claps, ghungroo, theatrical orchestral flourishes] [VERSE 2] The matchmaker said, “Perfect pair!” I said, “Really? Are you sure she’s there?” He said, “Good family, lovely wife!” I said, “Nobody mentioned claws in life!” She says, “Darling, sit with me.” I say, “Sure… from over here, maybe.” She says, “Why are you shaking so?” I say, “Your fingernails are saying NO!” [BREAK — complete instrumental stop, one dramatic tabla hit] MATCHMAKER: “Congratulations!” ME: “Can I un-match?” TIGER WIFE: “NO.” ME: “Wonderful.” [CHORUS — massive ensemble] Are you my tiger wife? Are you my tiger wife? My family made the match for me, Now I need a longer life! MATCHED! MATCHED! That’s what they said! MATCHED! MATCHED! Now look at my head! TIGER WIFE! Claws in the air! TIGER WIFE! I say, “YES, DEAR!” [COMEDIC BREAK — solo harmonium with spoken vocals] “They said she was a perfect match.” “Perfect match?” “Yes.” “They forgot one thing.” “What?” “THE CLAWS.” [FINAL CHORUS — enormous Bollywood ensemble, escalating repetition] MATCHED! MATCHED! Tiger wife! MATCHED! MATCHED! What a life! Are you my tiger wife? Are you my tiger wife? The matchmaker said, “Perfect!” I said, “YOU SAID THAT TWICE!” TIGER WIFE! — “Come here, dear!” ME: “I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE!” TIGER WIFE! — “Come closer!” ME: “I’M CLOSE ENOUGH!” **[LONG INSTRUMENTAL OUTRO — wild tabla, dholak, rapid sitar, sarangi, bansuri, harmonium, ghungroo, hand claps, huge orchestral finale, repeated ensemble chants of “MATCHED! MATCHED! TIGER WIFE!” ending with an absurdly dramatic final orchestral hit]