DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY [0:00–0:18 — INTRO] SFX: creepy music box… wrapper crinkles… one dramatic cough DAN: Yo… I found some candy. It’s probably still good. GRIM: That sentence right there already sounds fucking dangerous. DAN: Nah, man, check it out! It’s only been sitting there since… I don’t know. SOLE: How long is “I don’t know”? DAN: Long enough to get interesting. BEAT DROP ALL: DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY! [0:18–0:55 — VERSE 1] Dan walked in with a bag in his hand, Looking real proud like he just struck gold in the sand, Candy all twisted, wrapper turning gray, One little piece looked like it moved away. Chocolate sweating, gum looking green, Lollipop had something growing in between, Dan said, “Relax, this stuff is probably fine,” Grim said, “That shit belongs on a warning sign!” Smelled like garbage in the middle of June, Looked like a science project cooked in a spoon, Dan said, “Quit crying, it’s a perfectly good snack,” Grim said, “Perfectly good? Dude, throw that shit back!” AD-LIBS: “NOPE!” “HELL NO!” “WHAT IS THAT?!” “STUPID!” [0:55–1:25 — CHORUS] DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY! Trash in a bag and he says it tastes dandy! DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY! Smells like a dumpster wearing cologne for the family! He says, “Take a bite!” We say, “Not tonight!” He says, “You’re all scared!” We say, “Yeah — we’re fucking prepared!” DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY! Nobody wants it, but Dan thinks it’s fancy! DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY! One little chew and your stomach starts planning a mutiny! [1:25–2:00 — VERSE 2: GRIM GETS TARGETED] Dan turns around and he spots Grim, “Hey, Grimy Taco, this one’s for him!” DAN: “Here you go, buddy, take yourself a bite!” GRIM: “Absolutely not. I would like to remain alive tonight.” Dan shook the wrapper, tried handing it twice, Grim backed away like it came with a knife. DAN: “Come on, Grim, it’s just a candy.” GRIM: “That thing looks less like candy and more like a rejected science fair trophy!” Dan got closer. Grim got faster. Dan said, “Why you running?” Grim said, “Because THAT THING HAS A MASTER!” RECORD SCRATCH DJ: “Damn!” [2:00–2:32 — CHORUS] DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY! Built like trash but he swears it tastes dandy! DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY! Grim saw the wrapper and abandoned the family! He said, “Take a bite!” Grim said, “Not a chance!” Dan said, “Just one!” Grim said, “Not even under hypnosis, man!” DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY! Why does that chocolate have a second candy? DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY! Why does the gummy worm look like it pays no rent?! [2:32–3:05 — VERSE 3: SOLE GETS THE BAG] Dan spun around. “Fine! Sole’s next!” SOLE: “Why me?!” Dan held out the bag like some kind of test. Candy had fuzz. Candy had spots. Candy had one mysterious thing that nobody could identify on the spot. Sole stared hard. SOLE: “Dan… what the fuck is that?” DAN: “I call him Gerald.” SOLE: “You named the mold?!” DAN: “Yeah.” SOLE: “I’m leaving.” DAN: “Wait! At least smell it!” SOLE: “Why would I smell something that looks like it escaped from a trash can?!” SFX: dramatic footsteps SOLE: “NOPE!” DJ: “Another one bites—” SOLE: “NOT THE CANDY!” [3:05–3:30 — BRIDGE: THE METH JOKE] Beat gets slower and ridiculous. Dan held up one ugly little candy piece. It was gray. It was green. It was somehow shiny. DAN: “This thing looks like it’s been through ten wars.” GRIM: “It looks like somebody made meth in a lunchbox and used candy as the evidence.” SOLE: “That is the worst description of food I have ever heard.” DAN: “So… nobody wants it?” ALL: “NO!” DAN: “Stupid.” BEAT CUTS OUT [3:30–3:52 — FINAL VERSE: NANS] Everybody’s gone. Dan looks around. Then Nans walks in. NANS: “What’s all this?” DAN: “My candy.” NANS: “Why’s everybody running?” GRIM: “Because that candy has history.” SOLE: “Bad history.” Nans looks at the bag. Shrugs. Takes one tiny piece. Everyone freezes. DAN: “No way…” GRIM: “OH, COME ON!” SOLE: “She’s actually eating it?!” [3:52–4:00 — ENDING] SFX: gigantic record scratch NANS: “…Honestly?” pause NANS: “Not that bad.” EVERYBODY: “WHAT?!” DAN: “I TOLD YOU!” GRIM: “WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” SOLE: “RUN!” LOUD FUNKY GUITAR + DRUM CRASH ALL: DAN'S ROTTEN CANDY!!! NANS: “…Anybody got another piece?” [MUSIC STOPS] DAN, whispering: “I’ve got twelve.”
