[Intro] [spoken, dry, simple repetitive beat] I went to Walmart today. I needed three things. Three. That’s manageable. I’m an adult. I can buy three things. [Beat] I wrote them down. [Beat] I lost the list. [Verse 1] So I figured I’d remember. Toilet paper. Dog food. Coffee. That’s it. Three things. I walked through the front door. [Beat] I immediately forgot the coffee. [Beat] But I remembered the dog food. So we’re doing good. [Verse 2] I got the dog food. Then I saw a flashlight. I don’t need a flashlight. I’ve got four flashlights. But this one had a magnetic base. [Beat] That’s pretty useful. So now I own five flashlights. [Beat] Still no coffee. [Verse 3] Then I went to the automotive section. I don’t know why. I don’t own a car that needs anything. I’ve got a bus. That’s worse. [Beat] Now I’m looking at oil. Then filters. Then some weird little tool. I don’t know what it does. But it looks important. [Beat] I bought it. [Chorus] [spoken louder, backing voices repeating the last words] I CAME HERE FOR THREE THINGS. THREE THINGS. I HAVE NONE OF THEM. NONE OF THEM. [Verse 4] Then I remembered the toilet paper. So I went toward the paper products. I passed the snacks. [Beat] That’s where everything went wrong. Because now I’m holding beef jerky. I don’t remember picking it up. It’s just in my hand. [Beat] I got chips. I got cookies. I got some kind of trail mix. I don’t remember the last time I hiked [Beat] But apparently I’m preparing for something. [Verse 5] Then I saw a clearance bin. Never look at the clearance bin. That’s amateur behavior. I looked. [Beat] There was a Bluetooth speaker. It was twelve dollars. I don’t need a Bluetooth speaker. I have speakers. I have too many speakers. [Beat] I bought the speaker. [Chorus] I CAME HERE FOR THREE THINGS. THREE THINGS. NOW I’VE GOT A SPEAKER. A FLASHLIGHT. A TOOL I DON’T UNDERSTAND. AND BEEF JERKY. [Bridge] [beat drops even further] I finally got to the checkout. The cashier said, “Did you find everything you were looking for?” [Long pause] No. [Beat] But I found some other shit. [Verse 6] She scanned the flashlight. Scanned the speaker. Scanned the dog food. Scanned the mysterious tool. Scanned the beef jerky. [Beat] Then she said, “Do you have a Walmart+ account?” [Long pause] I don’t know. [Beat] Do I? [Beat] Apparently I do. [Outro] I got back to the bus. Put everything away. Started making coffee. [Beat] Then I realized. [Long pause] I forgot the coffee. [Beat] I also forgot the toilet paper. [Long pause] But I have five flashlights. [Final beat] So… I’d say it was pretty successful.
