[Verse 1] I got a deal too good to pass A mansion cheap—how long would it last? “Bank repossessed,” they said, “as-is” I signed the line—yeah, what a steal this is First night there, I slept like a king Didn’t notice wires in everything Hidden doors and a strange green glow But hey, it’s character, right? Let it go [Verse 2 – Monday/Tuesday] Monday I found the plutonium Glowing softly in the den Thought I’d maybe get complaints From slightly nervous neighbors then Didn’t know by Tuesday morning Sirens screaming down my street Now the feds are asking questions ’bout nuclear treaties and why'd I cheat? Tuesday I found the hybrids Locked behind a coded gate Now PETA’s out protesting Saying I should “rehabilitate” And I swear I tried to feed them But they hissed and phased through walls Where the hell’s a vet who treats A mutant wolf with plasma jaws? [Chorus] Every day’s a new disaster Every room’s a brand-new crime I just wanted crown molding Not a lab outside of time There’s a button marked “DO NOT” And I really should have not Now I’m living in a nightmare That I technically bought [Verse 3 – Wednesday/Thursday] Wednesday all the missiles launched Just a “routine system test” How’d he get that past the zoning board? Or any neighborhood request? Now the HOA sent letters ’bout “excessive fire display” With a fine for every warhead That I didn’t put away Thursday there’s a portal Opens somewhere near the stairs Something tentacled and ancient Keeps on asking for repairs It’s been whispering my name now In a language I don’t know And I think it wants a sacrifice Or a tenant down below [Chorus] Every day’s a new disaster Every hallway’s something worse There’s a dungeon in the basement And I think it might be cursed There’s a switch labeled “FOREVER” There’s a vault I can’t unlock Now I’m living in a nightmare That I legally bought [Bridge] Friday found the clones of me Arguing about the rent One of them’s a supervillain One’s extremely well-adjusted Saturday I tried to leave But the gates sealed shut instead Sunday I just sat and wondered If I’m better off here dead [Final Chorus] Every day’s a new disaster Every second something breaks I got death rays in the attic And a kraken in the lake If you see a listing cheap With “just a little history” Run the hell the other way— Learn a lesson here from me Yeah I wanted something classy With a study and a view Now I’m filing for asylum In dimension number two
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