[Chorus] I got mah bitches Mah bling And mah territory... Ain't nobody Had such a hard life as me..... [Verses] Born with no legs In the middle of the sea. Had to live on Pacific plastic Till I was three. Then I floated to an Island Covered in broken glass That really was a drag 'Cause I move with my ass Had to suckle on a turtle Till I got to real land Then I was buttfucked by a coastguard Called himself Dad Both my eyes are wonky And my writing was shonky Only got two fingers on my hands All I can shoot is motherfucking rubber bands [Chorus] But now I got mah bitches Mah bling And mah te-rri-to-reeee... Ain't nobody Had such a hard life as me..... The kids in the gang Laughed at me on my bike Had to peddle with mah tongue They said it don't look right I made friends with a badger Who gave me TB And kicked me out his burrow Said I smelled of weeeeeeeeeee............... Got a job washing dishes But they fell on the floor And even the Mexicans Said "Bro, you can't work here no more!" I lived on the street with a crack pipe Doing tricks for free Dogs tried to lick my buttcrack Had to live in a motherfucking tree Had to eat poison ivy For my tea Told me I didn't qualify For food stamps you see I ain't never had a mother A lover or a brother Lost my dick to a hungry duck Cause I had no bread to offer the motherfucker [Chorus] But now I got mah bitches Mah bling And mah te-rri-to-reeee... Ain't nobody Had such a hard life as me..... [Verses] So picked myself up Got my dog AIDS treated Got a nice haircut And my cardboard box heated Found a Book of Mormon In an overflowing bin Started to preach from mah box Said, "You got to let the Nephites in" People with red hats Stopped to listen to my hollers The dumb motherfuckers Dropped me all their dollars Soon I got me a BMW White as can be Ostentatious rims And the chicks noticed me Clarissa and Candy Said, "You finger right" We'd give you some head But it looks like you've had a nasty bite [Chorus] But now I got mah bitches Mah bling And mah te-rri-to-reeee... Ain't nobody Had such a hard life as me..... Everytime it rained I nearly got washed away So the girls got me a chain Said, "Now you won't float away" "We like the way You pay for our tea And buy us fancy clothes" I think they really love me Got a can of spray paint Painted mah chain gold Added a big old padlock Them jewels will never get old Got a fancy sequined shirt And a studded leather codpiece A ring through my nose And a cape made of fleece Now we drive down the boulevard And we eat for free Everywhere that we stop They taking pictures of me [Chorus] Now I got mah bitches Mah bling And mah te-rri-to-reeee... Ain't nobody Had such a hard life as me..... So all you cracker-ass rappers Crying about a beating Living in a trailer With no central heating Working in a factory To get your money for pizza You ain't had no hardship I am your teacher Crying in your jail cell Like a motherfucking puss Cos one time You had to travel by bus And your mommy didn't breastfeed And you didn't get a hug And daddy wouldn't buy you A fuckin' Sesame Street rug You all fuckin pussies And I am yo master Now get out my way 'Cause I got to drive faster If I see you on my street Me and the girls will run you down And if you ain't dead Chuck you in the sea to drown [Chorus] (Oh Yeah!) Now I got mah bitches Mah bling And mah te-rri-to-reeee... Ain't nobody Had such a hard life as me..... Don't you give me no trouble Or we'll chuck you in the motherfuckin' sea...
