[Intro – desperate shuffling, stomach gurgles, distant automatic flush] (You’ve been holding it since 11 a.m.… the reckoning is here) [Verse 1] I clenched through the whole meeting, I clenched through the drive-thru line White-knuckled the steering wheel like my life depended on keeping it inside Now I’m at the gas station off the highway, the only option for twenty miles The bathroom door hangs crooked like it’s personally offended by my arrival I do the stall inspection like a detective at a crime scene Mystery stains, mysterious puddles, this place has seen things The lock is half-broken, the light is flickering like it’s possessed I know in my soul this is gonna be a test [Pre-Chorus] I hover like a ninja, legs already starting to shake The auto-flush sensor is watching me… it knows I’m afraid [Chorus – huge, anthemic, gang vocals on the last line] The stall waited all day for this! You can’t hold it forever, now face the abyss! Hovering at a 45-degree angle, dignity circling the drain Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl in a biological war zone! RESTROOM’S REVENGE! (REVENGE!) The splashback is coming and you brought this on yourself! [Verse 2] I lean forward half an inch and the toilet betrays me instantly Auto-flush goes off like a landmine, cold water everywhere, instantly Now I’m doing the mid-push panic dance, trying not to make a sound While the guy in the next stall sounds like he’s fighting a demon and losing ground I attempt the courtesy flush — it only makes everything rise Bubbles. Actual bubbles. The toilet is personally attacking my pride Reach for the toilet paper… two squares left on the roll Single-ply that dissolves on contact like it was designed by the devil himself [Verse 3 – escalation] I do the penguin waddle of shame to the next stall over Praying no one walks in while I’m mid-mission, exposed like a rover The new stall has no lock, the seat is somehow even worse And now I hear someone outside doing the “is anyone in here?” cough I’m trapped in a porcelain prison, legs on fire, soul leaving my body This is not how I pictured my Thursday going, honestly [Bridge – slow, dramatic, operatic clean vocals exploding into screams] WHYYYYYYYYY is the auto-flush motion-activated with the sensitivity of a hair trigger?! WHYYYYYYYYY is there never enough toilet paper when your life is on the line?! I bit my tongue trying not to grunt like the guy next door Now I’m bleeding and defeated on this cold, wet floor… [Thrash Breakdown – fast, shouted, maximum chaos] HOVER LIKE A CHAMP! (CHAMP!) FLUSH TOO SOON! (SPLASH!) NO PAPER LEFT! (PANIC!) GRUNTING NEIGHBOR WAR! (WAR!) The stall has been waiting since your second cup of coffee hit For this exact moment when you finally admit defeat! MYSTERY STAINS! (RUN!) BROKEN LOCK! (STUCK!) COURTESY FLUSH FAIL! (BUBBLE UP!) WALK OF SHAME! (GOOD LUCK!) You finally finish… and there’s no soap at the sink Just the hand dryer that sounds like a jet engine and still leaves your hands wet and pink! [Final Chorus – total destruction, layered screams] The stall waited all day for this! You can’t hold it forever, now face the abyss! Dropping the kids off at the pool in a place that hates you! RESTROOM’S REVENGE!!! (And you still have to make eye contact with the next poor bastard walking in…) [Outro – fading riffs + evil automatic flush sounds and distant coughing] (flush… flush… “Revenge… complete.”)
