The Happiest Contract on Earth

**[Spoken — delighted]** Oh my gosh. A castle! **[Orchestra flourishes]** And singing birds! **[tiny pause]** ...Why is there a camera in that bird? **[Verse 1]** They gave me my own dressing room, My name upon the door, A sparkling gown, a matching crown, And merchandise galore! They said, “Rebecca, darling, You're exactly what we need! Just sign upon the dotted line— You don't have to read!” **[Spoken]** Oh. I've heard *that* before. **[Verse 1 continues]** There's music in the hallway, There's magic in the air, There's someone from the branding team Who's measuring my hair. They say that I'm inspiring, Authentic, brave, and true— **[brightly]** And Legal has some tiny notes On what I'm allowed to do! **[Pre-Chorus]** But everybody's smiling! And everybody's nice! And nobody has threatened me With giant robot mice! **[pause]** Yet. **[Chorus]** So is working for the Magic Kingdom Different from Mojo TV? There's fewer spikes and lasers, And the snacks are mostly free! Nobody screams, “Higher ratings!” They say, “Engagement, please!” And instead of being chased by monsters, I pose for licensees! There's no deathtrap on the schedule, No Spineless Ones in sight, And I'm contractually guaranteed Eight hours off each night! So yes, I'm sure it's different! **[Music stops]** ...Legally. **[Music resumes]** From working for Mojo TV! **[Verse 2]** They introduced my princess friends, They're really very sweet. We sang about our hopes and dreams While woodland creatures Tweet— **[Spoken, confused]** Do birds still Tweet? Whatever. It's in the lyric sheet. **[Verse continues]** They asked about my tragic past, I said, “Which one do you mean?” The producer's eyes lit up and said, “That's perfect for the screen!” They love that I'm a survivor! They love that I stayed strong! They love it even more because It fits into a song! They said, “Your trauma's powerful! So heartfelt! So sincere!” I said, “That's very kind of you... Why is Marketing standing here?” **[Pre-Chorus]** They don't call them demographics! They're “families” instead! They don't call it programming— It's “stories being shared!” And no one's called me “property,” At least not to my face... **[quietly]** But someone trademarked my rabbit ears In thirty-seven states. **[Chorus]** So is working for the Magic Kingdom Different from Mojo TV? Mojo wanted ratings— These folks want synergy! Mojo sold my action figures, They sell “FuFu Dreams™”! Mojo interrupted torture For a word from our sponsors' teams! But nobody's tried to kill me, And that's a welcome change! Though the six-film option clause Is worded really strange... Still, yes, I'm sure it's different! **[beat]** The castle's much more pretty. Than working for Mojo TV! **[Bridge — sincere princess ballad]** But maybe there's a difference That matters after all. Nobody here owns who I am When curtains finally fall. You can put me on a lunchbox, You can make my plushie talk. You can build a FuFu meet-and-greet At the end of Rabbit Walk. But Rebecca isn't merchandise. My heart is mine alone. And when the cameras stop tonight, I still get to go home. **[softly]** I didn't always get to go home. **[Strings rise]** So maybe that's the difference. **[Final Chorus — enormous, joyful orchestration]** Yes, working for the Magic Kingdom IS different from Mojo TV! I've read the whole agreement— **[Background Chorus]** *She read it twice!* **FuFu:** And my lawyer agrees with me! I can sing about my rabbit ears! I can phase through scenery! And nobody gets to rewrite Who Rebecca gets to be! You can sell a million plushies! Put my face on every wall! Just remember when the cameras stop, You don't own me at all! **[Backing Choir]** SHE'S NOT OWNED AT ALL! **FuFu:** So yes, this place is different! **[Music suddenly stops]** **Offstage Executive:** Rebecca, we need to discuss the sequel rights. **FuFu:** ... **[tiny orchestral sting]** How different? **[Huge final orchestral flourish]** **ENSEMBLE:** From working for Mojoooooo TV! **[Spoken, over applause]** FuFu: I'm keeping the dress, though. Executive: Actually, wardrobe— FuFu: **I'm. Keeping. The dress.** **[magic chime]**