Morning comes… I pour myself a cup of coffee… because I can’t pour from an empty cup today. My phone’s still on Do Not Disturb. And it’s not because I don’t love anybody. I do. I just… don’t always know what to say. So I put my headphones on. Open my notebook. Write something down that probably only makes sense to me. Sometimes I color for hours. Not because I have nothing else to do… I just like what happens when my brain finally gets quiet. Even if it’s only for a little while. The house feels different today. Cold, maybe. Or maybe that’s me. I don’t know. I’m tired of trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel. But… here I am. Still here. Trying to make it through another regular Tuesday that doesn’t really feel regular at all. One hour. One day. Sometimes… one breath at a time. And lately I keep wondering where I left her. That version of me I swear used to be here. In the mirror… there’s a girl I used to know. She has my eyes. She has my smile. But where did that girl go? In the mirror… she’s looking back at me. I know her face… I just don’t know who I see. Another coffee. Probably don’t need it. Another page. Another song starts playing in my head before I’ve even finished the last one. And I know I’ve pushed people away. People I love. That’s the messed-up part. Sometimes the people I need the most… are the same people I don’t know how to talk to when I get like this. So I walk down the hallway. Not really going anywhere. Just… walking. And then I catch myself in the mirror. And I stop. Because for a second… I’m looking at her. Or me. I don’t know anymore. One hour. One day. One breath at a time. Maybe I’m not looking for somebody I lost. Maybe I’m trying to figure out who I am now. In the mirror… there’s a girl I used to know. She has my eyes. She has my smile. But where did that girl go? In the mirror… she’s looking back at me. I know her face… I just don’t know who I see. Ghost Girl… is that you? Puzzled Kay? Maybe. Or maybe… it’s just me. Trying to recognize myself after everything. I don’t need all the answers. I don’t even think I want them anymore. I just… miss me. In the mirror… there’s a girl I used to know. She has my eyes. She has my smile. And maybe she didn’t go. Maybe she’s tired. Maybe she’s healing. Maybe she’s still somewhere inside of me. In the mirror… she’s looking back at me. And maybe someday… I’ll recognize the girl I see. Same old hoodie. Coffee’s cold now. Phone’s still on Do Not Disturb. And tomorrow… I’ll probably do it all over again. Life be lifin’. Kay be Kayin’. But… I’m still here. Love, Kay. 🦋
