Grandma's Got an Onlyfans

[Intro - Spoken Male, Walking Upright Bass] Well, I went to Grandma's house last Sunday... Thought I'd help her with her computer. Folks, I found somethin' I wish I hadn't! Hoo boy! [Verse 1 - Playful Rockabilly Swing] Went to Grandma's Sunday, smelled the biscuits in the air, She was sittin' at her laptop with curlers in her hair. Said, "Sonny, fix my internet, it's runnin' mighty slow!" I opened up her browser, and I hollered, "NO, NO, NO!" There were hearts and there were comments, And a thousand-dollar tip! Grandma snatched that laptop back, Said, "Boy, don't you dare flip!" [Pre-Chorus - Building Energy] She said, "I ain't dead, I'm eighty-three! There's still a little fire left in me! Now mind your business, take a chance, And watch your grandma do her dance!" [Chorus - Full Band, Rowdy Backing Vocals] GRANDMA'S GOT AN ONLYFANS! Rockin' in her rockin' chair! Leopard-print pajamas, And a ribbon in her hair! She's got a ring light by the Bible, And a tripod by the plants! LORD HAVE MERCY! GRANDMA'S GOT AN ONLYFANS! [Instrumental - Twangy Rockabilly Guitar Lick] [Verse 2 - Bouncy, Mischievous] She's got a brand-new Cadillac, a diamond-studded cane, The ladies down at bingo think she's gone a little insane. Miss Mabel saw her pictures and about fell off her pew, Grandma said, "Don't judge me, girl, I know you watch 'em too!" The preacher nearly fainted, Aunt Betty dropped her tea! Grandma bought a hot tub, Said, "This one's just for me!" [Pre-Chorus - Playful Build] She said, "My pension barely pays the rent, But now I'm makin' every cent! You youngsters think you own romance? Well, Grandma's got herself some fans!" [Chorus - Full Band, Call and Response] GRANDMA'S GOT AN ONLYFANS! Rockin' in her rockin' chair! Leopard-print pajamas, And a ribbon in her hair! She's got a ring light by the Bible, And a tripod by the plants! LORD HAVE MERCY! GRANDMA'S GOT AN ONLYFANS! [Instrumental Break - Slap Bass Solo, Honky-Tonk Piano, Wild Guitar] Go, Granny, go! Shake it, shake it! WHOA! NOT THE HIP, GRANDMA! [Bridge - Spoken Male, Comedic Storytelling] Well, Grandpa walked in whistlin', With a grin from ear to ear. Said, "Boys, I've got a secret That I reckon you should hear!" He pulled his phone out proudly, Said, "Now don't you understand? I've been her biggest subscriber, And I'm STILL her number-one fan!" [Full Band Stop - Spoken, Shocked] GRANDPA, YOU'RE PAYIN' FOR THAT?! [Spoken Grandpa Voice - Deadpan] Hell, son... I get the family discount! [Full Band Kicks In - Explosive Rockabilly] [Final Chorus - Faster, Rowdy Group Vocals] GRANDMA'S GOT AN ONLYFANS! She's the queen of the retirement dance! Got the whole town talkin', And the neighbors in a trance! She's got a ring light by the Bible, And a tripod by the plants! LORD HAVE MERCY! GRANDMA'S GOT AN ONLYFANS! [Outro - Boogie-Woogie Piano, Slap Bass] She's got the cash! (Cha-ching!) She's got the class! (Woo-hoo!) And Grandpa's still her biggest fan! Well, shake it, Granny! Just don't break a hip again! GRANDMA'S GOT AN OOOONLYFAAAANS! [Final Guitar Twang - Cymbal Crash] [End]