Forest Romp [Intro — eerie forest ambience, an aggressive dinosaur noise from a pterodactyl ] [Matt voice] “Pete… you sure this is the trail?” [main voice] BRO I BEEN HERE BEFORE— …wait… Was that a fucking pterodactyl?! RUN!!!!! AhhhhhhHhhhhhHhhhhhhHhhhHHHHHHHHWHHH [whispered] SHUT THE FUCK UP — JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP and be still ⸻ [Verse 1] Me and Matt — walking through the forest again — just another September weekend — we found a new spot we thought would be real grand but then a fucking pterodactyl flew in [Pre-Chorus] OH NO— Something ain’t right Matt dropped the Doritos out of pure fright Pterodactyl supposed to be extinct— if that’s true then why it sitting right in front of me ⸻ [Chorus] Holy shit, it’s a fucking pterodactyl I’m about to piss, this ain’t theoretical I told Matt, “Shut up, keep it down, don’t talk to me” But he’s still in my ear yelling ’bout Dragon Ball Z ⸻ [Verse 2] “Matt, shut the fuck up, I don’t care about where Freeza’s from Or how he wiped the Saiyans out and blew up planets just for fun.” Matt, it’s gonna rip out our guts And it’ll do it all for a laugh If you make another sound, we’re gonna fucking die Its eyes are locked right on our bush Its beak looks seven feet long And somehow you still think right now’s the time To explain what Vegeta did wrong ⸻ [Pre-Chorus 2] OH NO— It took a step I accidentally shit myself a little bit Matt said, “Pete, I think it heard us breathe” I said, “NO SHIT SHERLOCK IT’S STARING RIGHT AT ME” ⸻ [Chorus] Holy shit, it’s a fucking pterodactyl I’m about to piss, this ain’t theoretical I told Matt, “Shut up, keep it down, don’t talk to me” But he’s still in my ear yelling ’bout Dragon Ball Z Holy shit, it’s a fucking pterodactyl This is how we die, and honestly it’s tragic bro My final thought before it tears apart my family tree Is Matt explaining how to achieve Super Saiyan 3 to me ⸻ [Bridge] Then it spread its wings… TWENTY FEET WIDE The forest went silent The clouds blocked out the sky Matt whispered, “Pete… I think this might be it…” I said, “Yeah man… Tell my mom I love her…” The creature let out a horrific screech SKRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH We screamed It screamed We screamed louder Matt threw a Dorito at it ⸻ [Final Chorus] Holy shit, it’s a fucking pterodactyl I can’t feel my legs and my survival odds are fractional If we somehow make it out I’ll never hike again And I’ll never let Matt pick another fucking topic Holy shit, it’s a fucking— …wait a second… Matt… Why’s it standing in the river? Why’s it eating fish? ⸻ [Outro] Long neck Gray feathers Kinda awkward looking face Matt pulled out his phone and said, “Pete… that’s a heron.” A what? “A heron.” … We sat there in silence for a minute Then Matt said, “So anyway, the thing about Vegeta is—” [Final scream] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [spoken fade out] “Matt, I swear to God if you say one more thing about Dragon Ball Z I’m feeding you to the next fucking heron.”
