The Great Wall of Gristle

pop-rap, electronic dance-pop, satire/parody, aggressive energetic

[Intro: High-energy, bubbly synth-pop melody. Sound of a frantic dog barking followed by a loud "Sshh!" and a sizzling sound.]

[Verse 1]
I was walking down in Beijing just to see the Forbidden City
With my Golden Retriever, oh he looked so bloody pretty
I turned to buy a magnet and a cheap plastic fan
Now my puppy’s being seasoned in a giant frying pan
I asked the chef "Excuse me, is that Fido in the wok?"
He said "No, it’s just a chicken," then he turned the double lock
But I see a little wagging tail poking through the rice
I hope the bastard’s tender and the seasoning is nice!

[Chorus]
Oh, they’re eating all the Labradors in downtown Shanghai
Turning every Beagle into a Peking pot-pie
(They’re hungry!)
Yeah, they’re serving up the Poodles with a side of hoisin sauce
I’m looking for my Terrier, a devastating loss
(So tasty!)
From the Yangtze to the Yellow Sea, the menu’s looking ruff
I think I’ve had enough of this canine-flavoured stuff!

[Verse 2]
I went to the Olympics just to watch the hurdles race
But I found a Shih Tzu’s whiskers in my morning pancake space
That’s One morning pancake, and a side of Chow-Chow stew
I’m pretty sure the Boxer’s in the stir-fry number Two
I called up the ambassador, I said "This isn’t right!"
"My Spaniel’s been abducted in the middle of the night!"
He said "Relax your trousers, mate, and have a little bite"
"It tastes just like a nugget but with extra canine might!"

[Bridge: The beat switches to a frantic, double-time techno pulse]
[Fast Rap]
One dog, Two dog, Red dog, Blue
Which one of your pets is in the barbecue?
Is it a Great Dane? Is it a Pug?
Is it the one that was sleeping on the rug?
Five Thousand calories in every single paw
I’ve never seen a Greyhound served up quite so raw!
Check the soup, check the broth, check the spicy bowl
I think I see the collar of a German Shepherd soul!

[Verse 3]
I’m back in Great Britain and I’m feeling rather sick
I went to the takeaway and ordered something quick
I asked for "Sweet and Sour" and a portion of the chips
But I’m seeing Dalmatian spots upon the server's lips
One Hundred and Eight dogs went missing from the street
And now they’re in a plastic tub as shredded crispy meat
I’ll stick to eating bangers or a simple bit of toast
Before my blinking Bulldog ends up as a Sunday roast!

[Outro: The synth melody becomes increasingly distorted and high-pitched]
[Spoken Word]
(Is that a tail?) 
Nah, it’s a bean sprout. 
(It’s definitely a tail, mate.)
Well, at least he’s not barking at the postman anymore.
Pass the soy sauce, would you?
[Sudden silence followed by a single, high-pitched "Arf!"]
[End]

2993/7500

[Intro: High-energy, bubbly synth-pop melody. Sound of a frantic dog barking followed by a loud "Sshh!" and a sizzling sound.] [Verse 1] I was walking down in Beijing just to see the Forbidden City With my Golden Retriever, oh he looked so bloody pretty I turned to buy a magnet and a cheap plastic fan Now my puppy’s being seasoned in a giant frying pan I asked the chef "Excuse me, is that Fido in the wok?" He said "No, it’s just a chicken," then he turned the double lock But I see a little wagging tail poking through the rice I hope the bastard’s tender and the seasoning is nice! [Chorus] Oh, they’re eating all the Labradors in downtown Shanghai Turning every Beagle into a Peking pot-pie (They’re hungry!) Yeah, they’re serving up the Poodles with a side of hoisin sauce I’m looking for my Terrier, a devastating loss (So tasty!) From the Yangtze to the Yellow Sea, the menu’s looking ruff I think I’ve had enough of this canine-flavoured stuff! [Verse 2] I went to the Olympics just to watch the hurdles race But I found a Shih Tzu’s whiskers in my morning pancake space That’s One morning pancake, and a side of Chow-Chow stew I’m pretty sure the Boxer’s in the stir-fry number Two I called up the ambassador, I said "This isn’t right!" "My Spaniel’s been abducted in the middle of the night!" He said "Relax your trousers, mate, and have a little bite" "It tastes just like a nugget but with extra canine might!" [Bridge: The beat switches to a frantic, double-time techno pulse] [Fast Rap] One dog, Two dog, Red dog, Blue Which one of your pets is in the barbecue? Is it a Great Dane? Is it a Pug? Is it the one that was sleeping on the rug? Five Thousand calories in every single paw I’ve never seen a Greyhound served up quite so raw! Check the soup, check the broth, check the spicy bowl I think I see the collar of a German Shepherd soul! [Chorus] Oh, they’re eating all the Labradors in downtown Shanghai Turning every Beagle into a Peking pot-pie (They’re hungry!) Yeah, they’re serving up the Poodles with a side of hoisin sauce I’m looking for my Terrier, a devastating loss (So tasty!) From the Yangtze to the Yellow Sea, the menu’s looking ruff I think I’ve had enough of this canine-flavoured stuff! [Verse 3] I’m back in Great Britain and I’m feeling rather sick I went to the takeaway and ordered something quick I asked for "Sweet and Sour" and a portion of the chips But I’m seeing Dalmatian spots upon the server's lips One Hundred and Eight dogs went missing from the street And now they’re in a plastic tub as shredded crispy meat I’ll stick to eating bangers or a simple bit of toast Before my blinking Bulldog ends up as a Sunday roast! [Outro: The synth melody becomes increasingly distorted and high-pitched] [Spoken Word] (Is that a tail?) Nah, it’s a bean sprout. (It’s definitely a tail, mate.) Well, at least he’s not barking at the postman anymore. Pass the soy sauce, would you? [Sudden silence followed by a single, high-pitched "Arf!"] [End]

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