I gave everything I had to every hand that reached for me Gave it freely, gave it fully, gave it endlessly and greedily They took it like a given like the giving was just gravity And somewhere in the middle I forgot I had a cavity A hollow where the person used to live before the urgency Before the need, before the speed, before I lost the currency Of knowing what I wanted when the wanting wasn't buried in The weight of being needed like a lifeline, like a medicine And now the room is quiet And the quiet should feel earned But I'm still running sprints Inside a house that doesn't burn Still waiting for the emergency That isn't coming anymore Still don't know who I am When there's nothing left to run for I'm so tired of being strong for everyone who never asked Tired of performing fine while quietly collapsed Tired of the armor that I built so tight it fused to skin Now the war is over and I don't know how to let you in Don't know how to let me in I rehearsed the smile so many times it stopped requiring thought Sold the peace I could have had for half of what the chaos cost And the anger that I swallowed became something that I built on Something structural, a scaffolding, a story I was skilled on Telling myself later, telling myself someday, telling myself when But later became always and the someday never came and then I looked up from the survival and the calendar said years And I'd been so good at holding it I'd forgotten I had tears And now the room is quiet And I should finally breathe But breathing means I'm feeling it And feeling means I grieve And grieving means admitting That I lost something in there Some version of myself I kept Postponing 'til I had the time to care I'm so tired of being strong for everyone who never asked Tired of performing fine while quietly collapsed Tired of the armor that I built so tight it fused to skin Now the war is over and I don't know how to let you in Don't know how to let me in I don't miss the chaos I miss who I was before I learned to need it I miss the version of me Who hadn't memorized the ceiling Who hadn't made a home Out of holding on Who hadn't gotten so damn good At being almost gone Still running Still running Nobody chasing me anymore Still running
