[Verse 1] In the shuffling madness, of the sneeze-guard haze He’s eying up the egg rolls through a caloric daze The lady with the ladle is a wall of steel And he’s praying to the gods of the twenty-dollar meal! He’s checking on his waistband, and it’s stretching thin He’s the only man in line who’s got a plan to win! Oh, the trays are always empty, but the hunger’s never gone And the manager is watching like a hawk upon the lawn He’s a prime-rib gladiator, with a bowl of ranch on top And he’s got the momentum, and he’s never gonna stop! [Verse 2] He’s eyeing up the rival in the Hawaiian shirt Who’s digging through the cobbler for a triple-sized dessert He’s got a three-tiered strategy and a hollow leg And he’s looking for the yolk inside a pickled purple egg! He’s elbowing a toddler for the last of the ham While his cousin’s in the corner doing "shrimp-tail" jam! [The music drops to a low, ominous thrum] And the pudding vat is crusting... And the rolls are turning cold... He’s looking for his courage... But he’s feeling rather old! [Sudden drum crash—back to the heavy beat] [Verse 3] He’s staggering to the finish with a mountain on his plate He’s running out of napkins, and he’s running out of fate He’s got a pocket full of biscuits for the ride back home He’s the king of the buffet, and he’s sitting on his throne! [Outro] He’s going back for seconds! He’s conquered every tray! He’s a champion of the carcass... And he’s gonna win the day! [Song ends with a massive, sustained power chord and the sound of a fork hitting a plate]
