[Intro] Wait— No, no, no. You can’t just say that and end the chapter there! [Verse 1] I came prepared with notes and tea, A reasonable critique strategy, Then somebody looked a little sad— And now I would die for them, my bad. You gave them trauma? Give it here. I’ll hold their hand, I’ll shed the tear. Yes, they’re fictional. Yes, I know. That has never stopped me though. [Pre-Chorus] I’m under the table, clutching the plot, Whispering, “Please don’t hurt them a lot.” You say, “It gets worse.” Excuse me— [Chorus] I’m the Plot Possum! Heart first, notes later, Digging through your story Like a tiny emotional investigator. Plot Possum! If they hurt, then I hurt too, I will lovingly critique you While yelling, “WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Oh! Give me yearning, give me pain, Give me sunshine after rain. I’ll adore your little fictional crew— Then threaten you for what you put them through. [Verse 2] Oh, that villain has a tragic past? Never mind, forgiven fast. Is that redemption? Is that growth? Do they need a hug? They need one. Both. Two characters share one lingering glance— I’ve already planned their whole romance. You say they’re friends. Sure. Okay. I reject your canon anyway. And if the dog is anywhere near A dangerous scene, I need this clear: You can kill kings, destroy the town— But if that puppy dies, Then EVERYONE cries!. [Pre-Chorus] I brought constructive feedback, see? It’s somewhere underneath me. Right beside the tissues and snacks— WAIT. GO BACK. [Chorus] I’m the Plot Possum! Heart first, notes later, Digging through your story Like a tiny emotional investigator. Plot Possum! If they hurt, then I hurt too, I will lovingly critique you While yelling, “WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Oh! Give me yearning, give me pain, Give me sunshine after rain. I’ll adore your little fictional crew— Then threaten you for what you put them through. [Bridge] Was that foreshadowing?! Don’t answer that. Why is she leaving?! Bring her back! They held hands! Nobody move! This is the greatest thing you’ve ever written— …Actually, I have one note. [Breakdown] I love your hero. Love your crew. Love that weird side character too. Love the monster. Love the thief. Love your devastating motif. And if your chapter makes me cry, Congratulations! Also— Why? [Final Chorus] Plot Possum! Climbing straight into the page, Full of love and snacks and feelings, With a surprising amount of rage. Plot Possum! Every character gets adored, I’ll cheer them on, defend their crimes— And beg you not to hurt them anymore. Hey! Make it tender, make it strange, Break my heart and let them change. Give me stories messy, bright and true— I’ll critique the plot. But mostly? I’ll love it with you. [Outro] …Wait. Is that chapter three? Give it to me. Give it to me.
