Shit! NPC No More!

[Fast acoustic picking. One boot starts keeping time against the floor.] [FUFU — spoken] So Logan says, “Need somebody to take point.” And apparently— [beat] —I made eye contact. That was my first mistake. [Verse I] I had a pretty sweet arrangement, show up, hit the thing, rescue whoever needed rescuing, let somebody else play king. White, gold and black looked pretty good, I knew my place in line: Somebody yelled, “FuFu, get 'em!” I'd say— “Fuck yeah!” Worked every time. We've pulled folks outta burning holes, brought everybody home, done actual field operations without getting anyone— [pause] mostly— killed. So naturally that proves I'm qualified for strategy and more. Congratulations, Rebecca— SHIT! NPC NO MORE! [Chorus] SHIT! NPC NO MORE! Somebody handed me the map! Now everybody's looking at me like I know where the fuck we're at! I've got people on my left! I've got people on my right! I've got Logan standing somewhere back there letting me decide the fight! I liked being background talent! Kick the door and cross the floor! But somebody checked the party sheet— SHIT! NPC NO MORE! [Verse II] See, I understand leadership. I've watched people do it wrong. They make inspiring speeches that go seven minutes too long. They point dramatically at maps. They say shit like “Hold the line.” Then send somebody else's ass to execute their grand design. So I established my command style in approximately a minute: Rule One: Nobody gets left behind. Rule Two: Don't be a dick. Rule Three: If you see civilians— get 'em out before we hit it. Rule Four: If I yell “RUN!” [beat] I have probably noticed something. RUN. [Chorus] SHIT! NPC NO MORE! Apparently I've got command! I thought somebody competent was supposed to have a fucking plan! White and gold! Black and bright! We've already done this shit for real! Which is apparently why Logan thinks I know how everybody feels! I used to wait for mission prompts! Now they're knocking at my door! Somebody gave the bunny aggro— SHIT! NPC NO MORE! [Verse III] And Logan ain't exactly helping. Man just gives that little stare. Like there's some secret mutant lesson floating silently through air. I said, “You gonna tell me what to do?” He said— [low Logan impression] “Nope.” I said, “That's fucking helpful.” He said— “Yep.” Then everybody started waiting. Not for him. For me. And that's when I discovered the horrifying reality: They weren't asking for permission. They weren't waiting for a cue. They were waiting because they trusted I'D KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO. [Picking misses a note.] ...Well, fuck. That's different. [Bridge — music softens, but keeps moving] I know what it's like when somebody else writes your part. Tells you where you're standing. Where you're going. When you start. So if I'm standing at the front now, there's one thing I won't become: Some asshole writing everybody's choices just because I'm holding one. You tell me what you've got. I'll tell you what I see. We figure out the ugly part somewhere between you and me. And when the whole damn plan explodes— [music stops] Because it will. [picking immediately resumes] —we improvise. Apparently that's leadership. Jesus Christ. [Verse IV — jaunty again] Now I've got a training squad. I've got tactical concerns. I've got rescue contingencies. I've got lessons people learn. I've got white-and-gold uniforms that somehow still look clean— [spoken] Seriously, who picked white for field rescue operations? That's fucking optimism. [back into melody] I've got people who can bend the rules of physics before lunch. And apparently my contribution is knowing where to point the bunch. But if Logan thinks I'm yelling, “FOLLOW ME, I'M IN COMMAND!” Nope. More like— “I HAVE AN IDEA! WHO THINKS THIS IS A TERRIBLE PLAN?” [Breakdown — squad call-and-response] [FUFU] Everybody here? [SQUAD] YEAH! [FUFU] Everybody breathing? [SQUAD] YEAH! [FUFU] Anybody secretly replaced by an evil duplicate? [silence] [FUFU] Good enough! White! [SQUAD] GOLD! [FUFU] Black! [SQUAD] LET'S GO! [FUFU] Who's in charge?! [SQUAD] YOU! [music stops] [FUFU] Goddammit. [Final Chorus] SHIT! NPC NO MORE! Fine! I'll take the fucking lead! Not because I've got the answers— 'cause I know what people need! Get 'em out! Bring 'em home! Give everybody room to shine! If somebody's gotta make the call— [half-laughing] apparently this one's mine! No script! No marks! No asshole yelling “CUT!” anymore! I spent seven years playing somebody's character— I AIN'T AN NPC NO MORE! [SQUAD] NPC NO MORE! [FUFU] Don't make that our team chant. [SQUAD] NPC NO MORE! [FUFU] Seriously. [SQUAD] NPC NO MORE! [FuFu laughs over the guitar.] Fine. White, gold and black— get your asses through the door! [THUMP. THUMP.] SHIT! NPC NO MORE! [Final crashing chord.] [FUFU — spoken] ...Logan, if this was your plan all along, you're an asshole.