[introduction] “TONIGHT! IT’S THE ORIGINAL SOCIAL MEDIA HEARTTHROB VERSUS A HORSE THAT NEEDS AN ADULT Diaper! One was everybody’s first friend… the other wants to pee on everybody’s friends list! One is looking to make the comeback of the century... One is undefeated and has absolutely no bladder control! ONLY ONE LEAVES DOMINANT!” [deep talking voice] “Fighting out of the Blue Corner! He was your first friend, the original profile picture, and the reason you spent hours picking the perfect song for your page! After a failed launch and years in the digital witness protection program, HE IS BACK! A new frontman is leading the resurrection, and this forgotten legend is ready to turn his comeback story into a knockout! Introducing… THE ORIGINAL FRIEND REQUEST… THE TOP EIGHT TITAN… THE HUMAN BULLETIN BOARD… MY SPACE TOOOOOOM!” [same deep talking voice] “Fighting out of the golden Corner! This four-legged liquid legend is undefeated with TWO CRYPTO FIGHT CLUB VICTORIES! He’s got plenty of liquidity, a questionable diet, and the world’s most aggressive sprinkler system! Scammers, rug pulls, paper hands, gas prices, and pineapple pizza have all made the hit list! If it smells like bullshit, this horse is ready to make it smell like something else! Introducing… THE GOLDEN FIRE HYDRANT… THE FOUR-LEGGED WATERFALL… THE URINATION SENSATION… PIIIIIIIIISSIN!” [Verse 1 — $TOM] Tom’s back from the dead, he’s reclaiming his throne, The internet’s first friend is no longer alone! He survived a failed launch, got left in the dust, Now he’s back with a new crew and a whole lot of trust! He had the original profile, the original fame, Before your grandma knew Facebook, TOM WAS THE NAME! He’s bringing back MySpace, getting ready to brawl, And his first move tonight is to BLOCK YOU ALL! “WHO’S YOUR FIRST FRIEND? TOM! TOM! TOM!” [Verse 2 — $PISSIN] Pissin’s got two wins and he’s looking for three, This horse has more liquidity than a swimming pool spree! He pisses on the scammers, the rugs, and the fees, And if you mention pineapple pizza, he drops to his knees! Paper hands? PISSIN! Bad trades? PISSIN! Spam calls? PISSIN! Your neighbor’s lawn? PISSIN! He’s got four legs, one mission, and a bladder full of hate, HE DOESN’T NEED A FIGHT PLAN… HE JUST NEEDS TO HYDRATE! “PISSIN! PISSIN! LET IT FLY!” “THAT HORSE NEEDS A RESTROOM AND A GUY!” [Chorus] “A digital battle where anyone can swing! No friend requests, no bathroom breaks, just blockchain kings! From forgotten social media fame to a horse with a golden stream… ONE SURVIVES THE MEME MACHINE! Crypto Fight Club… DOMINATE!”
