[INTRO: alarm clock, phone buzzing, microwave beep] Alarm. Fuck. Five more minutes. [Beat kicks in] Get out of bed. MY BACK HURTS! What the fuck? I'm thirty. WHY DOES MY BACK HURT?! [VERSE 1: nu metal rap] Woke up late, hit snooze too much Roll outta bed and my spine says fuck Feet hit the floor, knees making noise I used to wake up feeling like I had a choice Coffee too hot, burn my mouth Bills came in, money went out Rent due Car due Phone bill too Bank account looked at me like "Really? You?" Need groceries Need gas Need sleep Need cash Need eight hours Got five Thirty years old HOW AM I STILL ALIVE?! [PRE-CHORUS] Everybody said I'd love being grown Nobody mentioned the pain in my bones They said I'd be free They said I'd be fine WHO THE FUCK APPROVED THIS DESIGN?! [CHORUS: HUGE NU METAL] ADULTING IS BULLSHIT! EVERYTHING HURTS LIKE SHIT! GET OUTTA BED MY FUCKING BACK! SIT IN A CHAIR MY FUCKING BACK! STAND UP MY FUCKING BACK! THIRTY YEARS OLD! WHY'S MY BODY ATTACKING ME?! ADULTING IS BULLSHIT! WHERE THE FUCK'S THE CHEAT CODE?! I PAY MY BILLS I GO TO WORK I DO MY BEST AND STILL GET HURT FROM SLEEPING WRONG! [POST-CHORUS: gang vocals] BACK HURTS! NECK HURTS! KNEES HURT! WHAT'S NEXT?! BACK HURTS! NECK HURTS! I JUST SAT DOWN! [VERSE 2: faster rap] Laundry's clean but it lives in the chair Dishes in the sink, I don't fucking care Get out of bed MY BACK HURTS! Sit in a chair MY BACK HURTS! Go to a concert? MY GODDAMN KNEES! Stand for three hours? MY GODDAMN KNEES! Used to mosh all night Now I'm looking for a seat Thirty years old And my body's obsolete! [BEAT CUT] I used to party all night. Now I need two business days to recover. [CHORUS] ADULTING IS BULLSHIT! EVERYTHING HURTS LIKE SHIT! GET OUTTA BED MY FUCKING BACK! GO TO A CONCERT MY FUCKING KNEES! THIRTY YEARS OLD! FALLING APART! NO CHEAT CODE! JUST BODY PAIN AND CREDIT CARDS! [VERSE 3: aggressive rap] Then there's passwords. Password needs a number Number needs a symbol Symbol needs a capital Capital needs a ritual "Your password expired." WHY?! I JUST MADE THAT! Now my password manager needs a password So I can remember my password To access the password I forgot Then there's the fucking laundry Then there's the fucking dishes Then there's figuring out What the fuck I'm eating Meal prep Sunday? That's adorable. I ordered takeout. LIKE AN ADULT! [BRIDGE: stripped-down] Doctor says "Drink more water." Okay. "Get more sleep." Okay. "Exercise." Okay. "Reduce your stress." ... WHEN?! Between work Bills Laundry Cooking Cleaning And trying to remember WHY I WALKED INTO THIS ROOM?! [BREAKDOWN] I'M THIRTY! MY BACK HURTS! I'M THIRTY! MY NECK HURTS! I'M THIRTY! MY KNEES HURT! I'M THIRTY! WHY AM I BUILT LIKE THIS?! [PRE-CHORUS] Calendar full Battery low Brain says stop Life says go I don't know what I'm doing But apparently I'm in charge [BEAT CUT] That's concerning. [FINAL CHORUS: MASSIVE] ADULTING IS BULLSHIT! EVERYTHING HURTS LIKE SHIT! GET OUTTA BED MY FUCKING BACK! GO TO A CONCERT MY FUCKING KNEES! SIT IN A CHAIR MY FUCKING BACK! STAND UP MY FUCKING KNEES! THIRTY YEARS OLD! FALLING APART! NO CHEAT CODE! JUST BODY PAIN AND CREDIT CARDS! ADULTING IS BULLSHIT! BUT I'M STILL DOING THIS SHIT! PAY THAT BILL! WASH THAT DISH! GO TO WORK! THEN FUCKING SLEEP! NO INSTRUCTION MANUAL! NO CHEAT CODES! JUST BAD POSTURE CAFFEINE AND FUCKING BILLS! [FINAL BREAKDOWN] BACK! HURTS! NECK! HURTS! KNEES! HURT! EVERYTHING! HURTS! I'M THIRTY! [OUTRO: microwave beep] Tomorrow I'll fold the laundry. ... Probably. My back hurts.
