Everybody calls me first That's how I know Something happened Phone lights up at seven-thirty "Hey, you awake?" Of course I am What's wrong? Sister lost her keys Mama needs a ride Friend says, "Can I tell you something?" Work needs an answer Somebody missed a train Three conversations open Before I've started my day I don't mind That's the funny part I like knowing what to do I like being who they call When something comes loose Charger in my purse Band-Aids Gum A backup plan Everybody says: "I don't know how you do it" Neither do I But apparently I can By noon I've fixed a schedule Sent the birthday text Picked up what somebody needed Found what somebody left And when somebody asks how I'm doing "Good" Automatic Next I'm good I'm good Don't worry 'bout me I got everybody's weather Before the clouds come down I'm good I'm good That's what they see Whole room knows where to find me Funny I don't know Who I'd call right now Evening Kitchen Finally quiet Friend of mine is watching me Do seventeen things She says, "Sit down" I laugh "For what?" "Nothing" Suspicious I sit Then she asks: "Who's checking on you?" ... Excuse me? "No, seriously" I start naming people "My sister—" "You check on her" "My mom—" "You check on her" "My friends—" One eyebrow Rude "I'm fine" "I didn't ask if you're fine" Oh That's irritatingly specific I'm good I'm good Don't worry 'bout me I got everybody's weather Before the clouds come down I'm good I'm good That's what they see But maybe I've been answering Before anybody gets to ask me That's different Now I want to be mad How has nobody noticed? Everybody knows I'll answer at two in the morning Nobody knows What happens after I hang up Good question Another one's Standing right behind it How would they know? Damn Don't like that one Every time somebody gets close I fix my face Change the subject Ask about them "You tired?" "Long day" "Need anything?" "Nope" "You sure?" "Absolutely" Then somewhere inside I keep a little record See? Nobody comes looking Girl You keep turning The porch light off That's not the whole story Some people should've knocked anyway Some knew me long enough To hear the difference in "I'm fine" Some loved the shelter Never wondered about the roof That matters But care can't live On mind-reading alone Maybe I taught good people The wrong map to my door Maybe some people Liked the wrong map Both can be true Ooh There you are I'm good I'm good Wait Try that again I'm tired ... Nothing explodes She doesn't panic Doesn't give me seven solutions She says, "Okay" And somehow That almost breaks me Because she lets the sentence Stay exactly what it is I'm tired No rescue mission No: "You've got this" I know I've got this That's part of the fucking problem Maybe strong people Don't need reminding They're strong Maybe strength Needs somewhere safe To put the bags down She fills two glasses Slides one toward me That's it Cold glass Kitchen light Two women sitting still How long have I been standing Inside every room I enter? Ready to refill Remember Respond Repair Like sitting down Might stop the whole machine Maybe it should For a minute Phone lights up Six messages Muscle memory says: Answer I turn it over Not forever Just tonight I love showing up I love being dependable I don't want to become colder Just to prove I'm free I just don't want love To require my exhaustion As evidence that it's real There it is She asks, "What do you need?" You'd think she asked me To explain gravity I open my mouth Nothing Try again "I don't know" She smiles Like: Good We found something You can't organize I laugh Fair Maybe that's where we start Maybe when I'm not okay I stop decorating it Before company arrives Maybe I let somebody ask twice Maybe I say: "Can you stay?" Before I've prepared A reason worthy enough So I do "Can you stay a little?" She looks at the clock "Yeah" No speech No debt No medal Just yeah Later She's on the couch I'm finally doing nothing Phone face-down Kitchen still messy Somebody's text Can survive until morning I look around At everything I didn't fix And for once It doesn't look like failure It looks like evidence That the world can keep turning While I sit inside it.
