[Intro: Bright Piano Chords, Glockenspiel, Sleigh Bells Layered with Cheery “La la la”s] (Snide whisper): “Guess what time it is…” [Verse 1: Upbeat Acoustic Strums with Jazzy Bassline] Oh, it’s that time again — lights goin’ up at dawn I've got a peppermint latte and 80 reindeer lawn inflatables on You roll your eyes like clockwork, every single year But every time you groan, I crank Mariah louder in your ear [Pre-Chorus: Toy Piano and Cheeky Choir Echoes] You say “It’s fake, it’s lame, it’s all too much” Well I just wrapped your present — in glitter. Twice. Tough luck. [Chorus: Massive Holiday Wall of Sound – Choir, Sleigh Bells, Strings] I wish you a Merry f***in’ Christmas! I hope it jingles all the way down to your soul You hate the lights? I strung up fifty more Just to watch you lose control I’ll roast the chestnuts, deck the halls Sing every carol ‘til you crawl I wish you a Merry f***in’ Christmas — Because I know you hate it all! [Verse 2: Campy Crooner Vibe with Saxophone Flourishes] I'm sending you twelve texts a day — with elf GIFs and snow memes I dressed my dog as Santa Claus, and he’s joinin’ all my streams You say “Let’s skip the tree this year”? Oh no, I bought a second one And taped it to your front door, just to double all the fun [Pre-Chorus: Strings and Mock-Solemn Caroling] You grumble, “Why this circus show?” Well guess what, honey — ho ho ho. [Chorus: Repeat with Extra Harmonies and Key Lift] I wish you a Merry f***in’ Christmas! And I’ll keep wishin’ all December long With candy canes stuck in your car vents And auto-playlists full of Bing’s old songs Oh I’ll be jolly, loud, and bright A yuletide gremlin out of spite I wish you a Merry f***in’ Christmas — Because your suffering feels right [Bridge: Slow, Sentimental Strings and Melodramatic Choir] I used to tone it down, keep it tame But now your hate just fuels my game I’ll carol at your door tonight With matching sweaters, holding lights [Breakdown: Whispered Carolers Over Warped Vinyl Noise] ("Silent night… not tonight…") ("Let it snow… and let it snow…") (“Merry Christmas, you Grinchy b*tch”) [Final Chorus: Key Change, Full Choir, Over-the-Top Joy] I wish you a Merry f***in’ Christmas! Louder, brighter, messier than before I’ll throw a snowball made of glitter And jam jingle bells inside your door So pour the nog and light the tree I’ll spread this joy aggressively I wish you a Merry f***in’ Christmas — And a petty New Year just from me! [Outro: Soft Music Box Melody with Distant Choir] (“Merry Christmas… from your favorite holiday terrorist…”)
