I don't know who these people are... And that woman in white... ...I've never seen her before in my life. I woke up this morning in a suit that's not mine, There's a rose on my chest and I smell like cheap wine. A strange man shook my hand, said: "Welcome to the family, son!" His neck tattoo says "DEATH" β and I started to run! But the doors were all locked, and the windows were sealed, And a woman named Brenda said: "Your destiny's revealed!" Who is Brenda?! WHO IS BRENDA?! I don't know any Brenda β but she's planning my agenda! There's a cake in the shape of our faces combined, There are photos of us β BUT I WASN'T THERE AT THE TIME! How do these pictures exist?! Was I sleeping? Was I drugged?! And why is her uncle looking at me like I need to be hugged?! MY WEDDING DAY! MY WEDDING DAY! WHO IS THIS WOMAN AND WHY WON'T SHE GO AWAY?! MY WEDDING DAY! OH GOD, NO WAY! I CAME FOR FREE FOOD β NOW I'M A FIANCΓ! HER MOTHER IS CRYING! HER FATHER HAS A GUN! THE PRIEST JUST ASKED ME β "DO YOU TAKE THIS ONE?" MY WEDDING DAY! SOMEBODY SAVE ME, PLEASE! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME β I JUST WANTED SOME CHEESE! She's walking down the aisle in slow-motion horror style, Her veil is seven meters long β it covers every tile! Her bridesmaids look like demons from a low-budget film, One winked at me and whispered: "There is no escape, dear Jim." MY NAME IS NOT JIM! My name is... wait... what IS my name?! This tuxedo's cutting off my blood supply to my brain! Her ring is size of doorknob, mine is welded shut like chains, Is that a wedding band or medieval ball and chains?! The guest list β three hundred people I have never met! Table seven is entirely her ex-boyfriends β I'M UNDER THREAT! Her grandmother just told me: "If you leave her, I'll find you." She's eighty-seven years old β BUT HER GRIP SAYS SHE'LL BIND YOU! MY WEDDING DAY! MY WEDDING DAY! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHAT DID I SAY?! MY WEDDING DAY! THIS CAN'T BE REAL! I THINK I SIGNED SOMETHING β WAS THAT A DEAL?! THE DJ'S PLAYING OUR SONG β WE DON'T HAVE A SONG! THE BEST MAN'S GIVING A SPEECH β I'VE NEVER MET THIS MAN! MY WEDDING DAY! SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE! I'M BEING MARRIED AGAINST MY WILL β WHERE IS MY RELEASE?! And then... the moment came. She lifted her veil... Slowly... So... slowly... I looked into her eyes... And she looked into mine... She smiled. Twenty-seven teeth. I counted. Some of them... weren't hers. She whispered: "There's no prenup, baby." And that's when I knew... ...my life was over. (EXPLOSION β full band, maximum aggression) THE FOOD IS TERRIBLE! THE BAND CAN'T PLAY! HER COUSIN IS FIGHTING WITH THE FLORAL DISPLAY! SOMEONE RELEASED DOVES β THEY'RE ATTACKING THE PRIEST! THE CAKE JUST COLLAPSED LIKE MY WILL TO EXIST! Her father's drunk and dancing on a table with a sword! Her mother's telling everyone I'm "FINALLY ON BOARD!" ON BOARD OF WHAT?! THIS SINKING SHIP OF DOOM?! I'M LOCKED INSIDE A MARRIAGE AND THERE ISN'T ANY ROOM! The photographer keeps shooting like this nightmare should be saved! The flower girl is staring β I think she's actually depraved! The limousine outside says: "JUST MARRIED β NO RETURN!" And the honeymoon destination... IS A CABIN... IN THE WOODS... WHERE PEOPLE NEVER LEARN! MY WEDDING DAY! (WEDDING DAY!) MY WEDDING DAY! (HELP ME!) WHO IS THIS WOMAN?! (WE DON'T KNOW!) WHY CAN'T I LEAVE?! (YOU CAN'T GO!) MY WEDDING DAY! (WEDDING DAY!) I LOST MY FREEDOM! (YESTERDAY!) THE RING IS ON! (IT WON'T COME OFF!) MY SOUL IS GONE! (THE DEVIL LAUGHS! "You may now kiss the bride." No... no... please... no... "Too late, baby. You already said 'I do.'" Wait... I DID?! ...When?! "Welcome to forever."
