Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (The Whoville Noise Ordinance)

Fifty-three years. That’s a long time to live in a cave. Fifty-three years of isolation, eating garbage, and refusing to shave. We call him a monster, we call him a thief, we call him a mean old rotter. But if you lived north of a village that screams at the top of its lungs every morning... You’d probably be a little mentally unstable too. Let’s deconstruct the narrative, shall we? He lives on a mountain, high above the town It’s a classic example of "trickle-down" (garbage economy). He’s a hairy green shutting-in with sensory issues Crying alone into discarded tissues. And down in the valley, the Whos are insane They’re a consumerist cult with a hive-mind brain. They blow on the Floof-floovers! They bang on the drums! They create noise pollution that vibrates his gums! "Oh, the noise! The noise! The noise!" he cries While the bags under his eyes triple in size. He’s not a villain, he’s not a crook He’s a guy who just wants to read a quiet book! But the neighbors are blasting Mariah Carey at 4 AM And frankly... I identify with him. Maybe the Grinch was just misunderstood! Maybe the zoning laws in Whoville aren't doing any good. He’s a victim of systemic harassment and architectural spite He just wants a single silent night! We demonize the green man, we call him a freak But he’s the only one practicing sustainable chic (he wears nothing!). Justice for the Grinch, let’s shout it loud He’s an introvert trapped in an extrovert crowd! So he snaps. He breaks. He formulates a plan. He’s gonna steal the joy from every woman and man. He sews a costume. He abuses his dog. (Okay, the animal cruelty part puts me in a bit of a fog... Max is a victim, Max is an unpaid intern, let’s be clear). But he slides down the chimney with a sneer. And he steals... what? He steals the stuff. Because the Whos have too much stuff! It’s never enough! He takes the ribbons! The tags! The packages! The boxes! The aggressive capitalism that the holiday unlocks-es! He’s essentially a minimalist decluttering consultant Dealing with the psychological resultant! He stripped the walls! He took the log! He took the last can of Who-Hash from the fog! He is literally redistributing the wealth back to the mountain peak It’s a socialist revolution, so to speak! Maybe the Grinch was just misunderstood! Maybe the zoning laws in Whoville aren't doing any good. He’s a victim of systemic harassment and architectural spite He just wants a single silent night! We demonize the green man, we call him a freak But he’s the only one practicing sustainable chic. Justice for the Grinch, let’s shout it loud He’s an introvert trapped in an extrovert crowd! And then... the ending. The "happy" ending. He hears them singing. He realizes Christmas doesn't come from a store. And his heart... His heart grows three sizes that day. (Pause) Do you know what happens, medically speaking, when your heart triples in volume in a matter of seconds? It’s not love. It’s called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. His aorta is exploding. His ventricle is rupturing. He is in immediate cardiac arrest. He’s not smiling because he’s happy, Cindy Lou. He’s smiling because his brain is deprived of oxygen and he’s dying on a sled. He needs a defibrillator, not a roast beast! He is going into shock! Call an ambulance! BUT THE WHOS DON'T HAVE PHONES, THEY ONLY HAVE…! Maybe the Grinch was just misunderstood! Now he’s dead in the snow, and it’s not very good! He died of an enlarged heart, it’s a medical fact While the Whos stood around and formed a singing pact! He’s a victim of biology and peer pressure too And now he’s a rug for Cindy Lou Who! Justice for the Grinch, he’s cold and he’s dead Because he listened to what the voices said! So the moral is simple, it’s plain to see. Don’t steal Christmas. And please... get an EKG. See you next year.