creature feature

# RADIO APOCALYPSE GILLMAN FOR PREZ ## THE CREATURE PREPARES FOR THE MIDTERMS *[Bubbles. A distant tuba. Something wet drags itself across government property.]* **CREATURE:** Greetings, America. It is I. The Creature from the Reflecting Pool. You may remember me from June. I was younger then. Greener. More optimistic. I had just moved into a freshly renovated $14.7 million aquatic development with spectacular views of the Lincoln Memorial. Within days, the algae arrived. Naturally, I assumed this was landscaping. Then the bottom started peeling. Excellent. More habitat. Then people started arguing about who destroyed the pool. Vandals! Contractors! Chemicals! Primer! Human oversight! Meanwhile, nobody interviewed **me**. I LIVE HERE. So what have I been doing? Preparing for the midterms. Obviously. I've been studying American government from underneath three inches of questionable water. And I believe I finally understand it. Something goes wrong. Everyone points at someone else. A hearing is scheduled. Documents are requested. Someone goes on television. Nothing is repaired. Then somebody announces that everything has been repaired. Three days later— **bubbles.** I feel extremely qualified. My campaign platform is simple: **MORE ALGAE. LESS TRANSPARENCY.** Although technically I'm extremely transparent. You can see right through me. Which may immediately disqualify me from Washington. My advisers tell me I need a campaign slogan. We've tested several: **KEEP AMERICA MOIST.** Didn't poll well. **A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT, A DUCK IN EVERY POND.** Legal objected. Finally we settled on: ### CREATURE 2026 ### SOMETHING'S GROWING IN WASHINGTON. Beautiful. We're building a coalition. Algae. Moss. Mildew. Several extremely motivated tadpoles. And one duck who refuses to answer questions about his residency. My campaign headquarters is currently behind a construction fence because apparently my entire district has been closed until October 20. VOTER SUPPRESSION! Actually— repair work. But I'm learning political language. Everything sounds much more exciting if you yell it. My opponent says I'm slime. Correct. My opponent says I have no experience governing. Also correct. My opponent says I've accomplished nothing since June. Now THAT is unfair. I've survived hydrogen peroxide. I've survived nano-bubbles. I've survived draining. I've survived resurfacing. I've survived Washington in August. Ladies and gentlemen— **I AM INCUMBENT MATERIAL.** *[Patriotic kazoo fanfare.]* So when you look across the National Mall and see that great empty blue trench surrounded by fencing, do not despair. Somewhere beneath the scaffolding… beneath the primer… beneath another layer of very expensive sealant… I am waiting. Patiently. Photosynthesizing. Preparing. Because governments come and governments go. Administrations rise and fall. Contractors blame specifications. Specifications blame contractors. But eventually— the water comes back. And when it does… **SO DO I.** *[BLOOP.]* **CREATURE 2026.** Something's growing in Washington. This is Radio Apocalypse.