try and try and try again go back to the beginning to figure out the end a close enough guess would rather do this than go out of my head out of food out of options hope ebbs there's nowhere I'd rather be am I somehow - wrong - for that? I'm supposed to want to run away why would you want to stay with what they've told you is at stake unless you don't believe them or you think you can help them change no one wants to change for you remember so you must just not think it's true not the whole story anyway never is and the good parts are worth staying for hell it's the only good I've ever known will no one ever understand that? It would just be so helpful if I could know what the future holds 10, 20, 50, 100, 1000 years from now Is everyone walking around outside right now everyone who has been doing the same thing throughout the pandemic destined for cancer or some such shit? Or am I an idiot for staying inside? Wasting my life half trapped, half rescued by the box that is my room a room I have no intention of giving up but at this point I've been hurt by everything I've ever loved People blare bass so loud it shakes my furniture Roar engines that feel like they're ripping through my brain even with the noise cancelling headphones on I don't mind the music bursts of songs comes and goes but there's not enough of that it's mostly just noise People laugh and scream - at least they sound like they're having fun Some people scream horrendous things and I don't know why no one does anything about it I want to open my windows but it's felt like being poisoned by noxious fumes I've asked my landlord about it but I get no reply Gave up smoking damn cigarettes smell so bad when you don't smoke anymore but I can't say I don't wish I could just go back to not caring to having friends and conversations [though I wish I remembered more of them] as if I would never die immortal because I was already friends with death something like that At this point I'd probably get dry socket anyway my fucked up tooth has been bothering me don't want it to hurt again What the fuck is this shit I just read that the Oregon Health Authority says a bunch of the healthcare professionals aren't vaccinated? What is that supposed to mean? If it looks off to me how aren't the professional scientists screaming? If I could just know what the point was how much of this shit show was deliberate how much I should care about any of it that would just help so much in deciding what to do not just sitting here alone forever frustrated and feeling tortured waiting waiting waiting for what I don't fucking know
