My Dog Is Problematic (But Not That Kind)

Verse 1 6:30, morning mist I’m half awake, he clenches fist Well, paw technically, but same effect My winter coat is wrecked He grabs the zipper, claims my sleeve Public stripping, zero leave Neighbors watch my dignity Dragged across suburban street Pre-Chorus He steals my socks He chews my books He gives me feral toddler looks He counter-surfs with zero shame And somehow I’m the one to blame Chorus He’s a menace, he’s dramatic Furry, feral, acrobatic He commits crimes against couture My wardrobe can’t endure He’s chaotic, anarchic Teeth like tiny shark attack But here’s the thing, let’s get it clear He’s not the monster we should fear He bites my coat, he ruins dinner But he’s not a violent sinner He doesn’t stalk, he doesn’t hide He doesn’t hurt or brutalize He pulls my jacket in the street But he doesn’t murder women He humps a pillow, yes it’s grim But he doesn’t prey on children ⸻ Verse 2 Laundry thief with wool addiction Zero impulse, no restriction Finds my silk from ‘95 Declares it no longer alive He growls at towels, declares a war Treats my leggings like folklore Every fabric is a foe Every hem must go Pre-Chorus He digs the garden, shreds the mail Emotionally I sometimes fail He acts possessed at 8 a.m. Like caffeine lives in him Chorus He’s chaotic, diplomatic Only when it’s convenient He’s a gremlin in a fur disguise With very soulful eyes He commits crimes against my peace My patience on a steady decrease But here’s the twist beneath the fluff Compared to humans, he’s mild stuff He bites my coat, he starts a riot But he’s never fueled by violent bias No hatred coded in his breed No cruelty as creed He drags me naked down the block But he’s not built on power shock No harm for thrill, no twisted thrill Just baby brain and zero chill ⸻ Bridge If this is what we call a beast Then what are we at very least When headlines bleed and courts excuse The harm that we produce He’s 20 kilos of poor restraint But not a predator in paint Just teething gums and morning zoom Not systemic doom ⸻ Final Chorus He’s feral, flawed, a textile thief A daily source of mild grief But if we’re ranking moral charts He wins on basic human parts He steals my clothes, he shreds my pride But never hunts the weak to hide So yes, my dog’s a tiny terror But look at us and find the error