The Ballad of the Perfect Plan

[Verse 1] We marched out bold at break of day, five heroes full of cheer, The Thief had maps, the Wizard spells, the Cleric holy beer. The Barbarian brought muscle, I brought songs and shining mail; We swore we’d rob a dragon blind and live to tell the tale! [Verse 2] The Thief picked locks like picking flowers, soft as summer rain, Till the door exploded in his face and knocked him out again. The Wizard crowed, “Stand back, you fools, I’ll end this with one spark!” He rolled up sleeves and shouted loud: “Fireball!” in the dark [Chorus (clap-stomp-clap, first round—everybody joins in)] Oh tumble, tumble, luck go stumble, Plans go up in flame! We meant to win with skill and grin, But luck just played its game! We tripped, we slipped, the dice got flipped, Yet somehow we’re alive— By the Ancients’ merry mischief, We’re the luckiest fools to survive! [Verse 3] I strode forth ashed but armor still gleaming, to smite with righteous flair, Called down the Ancients’ sacred thorns to bind the beast mid-air. The vines shot up, they wrapped it tight… then kept on growing wild, Tangled my legs, my arms, my beard, and hog-tied me like a child! [Chorus (louder, faster—someone’s already spilled their ale)] Oh tumble, tumble, luck go stumble, Plans go up in flame! We meant to win with skill and grin, But luck just played its game! We fell, we yelled, got smoked and shelled, Yet somehow we’re alive— By the Ancients’ merry mischief, We’re the luckiest fools to survive! [Verse 4] The Barbarian roared and charged the beast, axe raised to the sky, Slipped on gold we hadn’t stolen yet and hit his own left eye. The Cleric prayed for heavenly aid, a beam of sacred light— It missed the dragon, hit the hoard, and set it all alight! [Verse 5] The cavern filled with smoke and flame, the ceiling gave a groan, The Thief woke up, saw riches burn, and let out quite the moan. The Wizard (still mid-cast) yelled, “Too late!” and loosed the roaring ball— It bounced off walls, singed all our hair, and cracked the mountain’s wall! [Chorus (half the tavern shouting, the other half laughing too hard to sing)] Oh tumble, tumble, luck go stumble, Plans go up in flame! We meant to win with skill and grin, But luck just played its game! We’re bruised, bemused, and half-roasted, Still dripping dragon slime— By the Ancients’ merry mischief, We’re the luckiest fools to survive! [Verse 6] The dragon roared, the cave collapsed, we thought our tale was done, Till a falling boulder clipped its wing and made the beastie run! It fled in panic, squawking loud, tail tucked between its scales, Left us buried to the neck in singed and shiny scale! [Verse 7] We dug out laughing, black with soot, pockets full of gold, The dragon’s hoard had rained on us, worth twice what it had held! So here’s to plans that go awry, to spells you never should— Even a paladin gets rolled into his own thorn-cocoon hood! [Final Chorus (whole room stomping, tankards banging like war drums] Oh tumble, tumble, luck go stumble, Plans go up in flame! We meant to win with skill and grin, But luck just played its game! We’re bruised, bemused, and half-roasted, Still dripping dragon slime— Raise your cups to glorious flops, We’ll sing this tale every time!