I got new roommates last week. This guy Phil and his wife. My parents think they're a good influence to help me straighten up my life. So Thursday night rolled around. That's reggae night at O'Shays. Stumbled home at five A.M. to find Phil in a rage. He said, "You can't drink until you're sloppy. Settle down. Find a wife. You can't dance on tables. All. Night. Long. You're gonna shorten up your life." So Phil headed out for a jog and I, myself, went to work. I worked really hard for. Two. Whole. Hours. But work builds up a thirst. And soon Friday night rolled around. Shaved and got myself dressed. Stumbled home at eight A.M. and Phil wasn't impressed. He said, "You can't drink until you're sloppy. Settle down. Find a wife. You can't dance on tables. All. Night. Long. You're gonna shorten up your life." So Phil headed out for a jog and I, myself needed food and there's this place that serves Bloody Marys three bucks nine until noon. And Saturday night rolled around. My brunch had turned into night. Stumbled home at nine A.M. and Phil wasn't in sight. Mrs. Phil gave me the story. Phil had had some bad luck. Seems he was out jogging that morning when Phil was hit by a truck. I called my parents that Sunday to break the bad news. And when they asked the lesson I learned I told them, "Here's what I'm gonna do..." "Mom and Dad, I'll drink until I'm sloppy. Settle down with Phil's wife. And we'll dance on tables. All. Night. Long. For the rest of our life."
