[Verse 1] No, thank you I don't want to hold your baby Oh, no, look at the baby I am looking Isn't she beautiful? She's certainly present Do you want to hold her? No Go on Please don't You place her in my arms like you're passing round a plate And everyone is smiling like I've just been given fate Just support her little head, which little part is that? I've never held a baby, I've barely held a cat Just relax, you tell me as I stiffen every joint Why is there a warning system for every single point Don't forget the soft spot (The soft spot) The soft spot (There's a spot that's soft) Don't touch it! I wasn't planning to [Chorus] Why is everybody so calm? How does everyone know the moves? And this isn't just a baby It's a whole ass little dude And you've casually placed it in my arms and I don't know what to do [Verse 2] No, thank you No, thank you I don't want to hold your baby I'm sure they're lovely, I'm sure they're sweet But I don't know which end is supposed to be the feet No, thank you No, thank you Please don't make me hold your baby You made a whole ass human, you hold it! You made a whole ass human, I'm just not qualified for it No, thank you No, thank you No, thank you That's enough, thank you Why is it warm? Why is it damp? Why does it smell like a haunted food camp? Oh, that's just baby Well, that's reassuring Because something on its face appears to be slowly growing a snot bubble (A-a-ah) Don't ah at me, it's expanding It's adorable, it's approaching Just wipe it With what? Now she's grabbing at my necklace Now she's pulling on my hair How is this bonding? I am experiencing despair [Bridge] What if I hold her wrong? What if I squeeze too tight? What if she remembers this at therapy later in life? What if this one interaction shapes the person she becomes? I came here for a birthday cake Why am I responsible for someone? [Chorus] No, thank you No, thank you I don't want to hold your baby I'm sure they're wonderful, I'm sure they're cute But I've never been inducted into the baby safety groove No, thank you No, thank you Please don't make me hold your baby There's a soft spot somewhere (Where?) There's a neck that needs supporting (Who knew?) You made a whole ass human Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations Please take it back! [Outro] You see a baby, I see a person, a tiny person With a brain that's still under construction Every word I say, every face I make Every careless little gesture Could become part of who they are Oh, god I've been holding them for three minutes Three minutes What if I have already altered the trajectory of their emotional development? (Oh, no) What if they grow up and remember this moment? (Oh, no) What if their entire personality is somehow My fault! (My fault!) No, thank you, no, thank you I don't want to hold your baby Keep your little miracle, your tiny bundle, your biological responsibility No, thank you, no, thank you I don't want to hold your baby Mind the soft spot, mind the neck Mind the thing that's coming out the back No, thank you, no, thank you, no, thank you, no, thank you You don't want the baby (I don't want the baby) You don't want to hold it (I don't know how to hold it) But look at its little face I'm trying not to look at its Little face Is that a snot bubble? Nope No, thank you No, thank you
