[Verse 1] [Fast upstroke guitar rhythm] I stayed up till midnight fixing your resume Swapping out verbs, rewriting your essay I bought you that blazer so you’d look the part The career architect of your brand-new start You got the job, and you got the first check Then you took some bartender out to Quebec When I said it hurt, you just patted my head And told me I’m the strongest rock that you’ve ever had [Bridge] [Music stops, just bass and hi-hat] [Spoken] "She said my emotional intelligence is a turn-on... for other people." [Chorus] [Explosive horn section, high energy ska] I fetch your dry cleaning, I open your doors! I’m building the pedestal you use to soar! You say that you love me, and baby it’s true But I’m just the shadow that’s working for you Yeah, I’m your platonic love slave! Feeding a fire that I’ll never feel I’m your platonic love slave! Your ultimate saint, but none of it's real! [Verse 2] [Bouncy ska rhythm] You wanted to fly out to see that new guy But your bank account was running too dry So I chipped in the cash, I funded the flight To put you in another man's bed for the night I finally broke down, said "But I love you so!" You smiled and said, "I know you do, bro! You're my holy soulmate, you're entirely pure" And that's when I finally found the cure [Bridge] [Music stops, sharp snare hit] [Spoken] "It's like I'm your sugar daddy... and there's no sugar." [Chorus] [Horns blaring, high energy] I fetch your dry cleaning, I open your doors! I’m building the pedestal you use to soar! You say that you love me, and baby it’s true But I’m just the shadow that’s working for you Yeah, I’m your platonic love slave! Feeding a fire that I’ll never feel I’m your platonic love slave! Your ultimate saint, but none of it's real! [Bridge] [Double-time punk-ska beat, frantic] I’m driving three states over with a U-Haul truck! [Horn stab] I’m ghostwriting texts so you two can hook up! [Horn stab] I’m watching your dog in a hot parking lot! I’m framing an alibi for the date that you got! I'm injecting your diabetic iguana with shots! [Frantic horn solo] [Verse 3] [Slower skanking groove] Now you need a favor, a psychological game You need an ex-boyfriend to carry the blame You want me to text him and act real insane To make your new lover look safe in the frame So I’m screaming on voicemails, playing the part Faking the passion that’s breaking my heart The ultimate villain to make you look good I’d destroy my own name just to stay in your hood [Bridge] [Deadpan silence] [Spoken] "He threatened to fight me. I told him thank you." [Outro] [Maximum energy, full band] I’m your platonic love slave! Yeah, your favorite saint! Keep me up on that pedestal, babe! [Music cuts out, sad trombone slide] [Spoken, fading out] "Seriously though, do you need me to pick up your dry cleaning tomorrow? Let me know." [End]
