[talking] "Dear diary, it's me, [pause] Jimmy. [pause] It's been a while, huh? ever since that blasted puppy tricked me into ending the world, I've been pretty busy." [guitar solo] "I know, I know. Busy with what, you ask? whew boy, well if you insist..... [pause] [chorus, build up to a solo] Oh the world is fucked. [guitar solo] Day 3 year 2045: the darkness still calls, and the black depths of the unspeakable void finally consumed the canyon. A flood of mindflaying parasites consumed the land...and Mrs. Speck wants me to run and grab her some sugar. Oh boy here we go. I ran through the forest as an unseen shadow and carved a bloody path through the catacombs of the lost, which was apparantly the new lair for TalRasha, lord of the dead; and of course, he stopped me. [talking] I swear, EVERY TIME I kick this dudes ass he pops up somewhere new. Like a.....like a gnat. Or a cockroach. Whatever, you get my point. I'm charging Mrs. Speck double. Well, anyway, that son of a bitch started running his stupid undead mouth again. He said.....hang on...what did he say? [pause] Oh, right. He said: [SILLY evil voice] "You there, you worm! How did you get through my Catacombs?! I [EMPHASIZE] JUST reanimated an army there! Do you think the dark necrotic forces of doom come cheap?! So, so many goats!" [pause] Whelp. today, I chose violence. I mean, I choose violence a lot. No really, like....alot. I just...I like violence. Shut up. So I flipped him off and I kicked his nuts, and out spewed his guts! A few fireballs here, some lightning there.....then I saw it: a huge steel beam. Oh yeah, I have crazy super abilities now. cool huh? I should've mentioned that sooner butwitbh the Apocalypse and all... [screaming in comedic anger] IF ONLY THE WORLD WASN'T A GOD DAMN WAR ZONE OF DEATH AND DECAY. [pause] It's fine though.....out here we super powered survivors love towing the line. It's what we do. We give help to the others and put on a mask, all for the sake of everyone. Anyway, I clapped him in the face with a huge steel beam and knocked him on his undead ass. Off he went, through the sky, like a stupid angry sentient baseball. what a dick. So I then moved on putting his lair behind me to focus on that sugar, when out of the corner of my eye I saw it: a sad little puppy, sitting there, all alone. And he said: "Hey there mister! I need help! You see, I'm trying to summon my friend but... [stabbing noises] [panicked] "Hey wait! what the fuck, you psycho?! What the fuck are you doing?! WHAT THE SHIT?! OH GOD! YOU STABBED ME! YOU FUCKING STABBED ME YOU CRAZY SON OF A BITCH! IS THAT MY SPLEEN? OH NO IT IS, IT IS MY SPLEEN! YOU'RE A MONSTER!" [solo] Well diary, I looked him in the eyes and I told him "uh no. not this time you sneaky little prick!" and then...I'm not proud of it.....but I cut off his head and put it on a pike as a warning. anyway....that's crazy right? [chorus] The sky fell hard and the blood rain raged for 5 whole years [talking] so I moved through the fog choked forest of sorrow where the souls of the damned feed off the living. And man...that place always bums me out. All this for some fucking sugar. I felt a cold bitter wind cut my cheek and then I saw my family. You know, the very same family that I watched an adorable puppy brutally tear apart before my eyes years ago? Yeah, remember that other song? I call that a reference. See what I did there? what a drag. [guitar solo] [talking] they pointed at me silently and then they shrieked, summoning an army of the dead. What a day. Anyway, they rushed me, and flung me into the dirt, but I quickly got up and made it to safety. I swung my blade and tore through them, like butter, and blew off so many heads I lost count. Yeah diary, I'm cool like that. The battle raged on but I made it through and found myself in the valley of misery and failure. [chorus] Skies of fire and brimstone, rain shadow upon the land as it's consumed by oblivion Don't believe the hype. It's literally just a valley full of dead republicans who worship the dark lord. Anyways I moved on once more, and stumbled across the burning valley of eternal suffering. Man, this place was metal as fuck....but honestly? it's kind of annoying. You know what? Screw the sugar. anyway, I made it through, and found myself maybe a bit lost. but that's alright, I make do. and here I am, smack dab in the boonies of a war ravaged planet consumed by darkness. isn't that exciting? [ending] The sky is beautiful at night, by the way. Like, if you love seeing the souls of the lost hover in silent misery. Really though, it's not so bad. Oh, I mean, I guess if blood is your thing. Uh....and death. LOTS of that these days. And unspeakable horrors. Seriously it's like the Goths and Emos are in charge. Not like the normal kind either, but like the kill you and eat your skin kind. Oh well. Until next time diary! [guitar solo]
