[Intro: Gramophone crackle and scratching] [Spoken Word] Gather round, peasants. I have a tale of unrequited chivalry. A tragedy in three parts, served with cucumber sandwiches. Hit the beat, Reginald! [Verse 1] I tip the bowler hat with absolute precision And execute my courtesy with tactical decision I hold the carriage door, I quote the bard with elegance Yet all the local maidens seem to lack intelligence They bypass my ascot, ignore the tweed lapels To congregate with ruffians who lack the proper spells A bounder by the moniker of Chadwick hits the tavern With the intellect and posture of a creature from a cavern I'm practically a polymath, I read the classic tomes I boast a grand collection of Victorian garden gnomes But when I send a telegram to ask for her affection I'm met with nothing other than a standardized rejection [Chorus] Oh, the absolute indignity of modern day romance A gentleman of culture never even gets a chance I'm trapped inside the friend zone with my Earl Grey and my pride While the hooligans and scoundrels take the maidens for a ride (Take them for a ride, what a travesty!) I'm the quintessential chap, a veritable prize But chivalry is dying right before my very eyes [Verse 2] I penned a fourteen stanza poem dedicated to her wrist And somehow I am still the one residing off the list I challenged her new suitor to a duel at break of dawn He simply laughed and told me I was standing on his lawn (The absolute cheek!) I calculate the physics of my impeccable grooming While Chadwick's unkempt aura is continuously looming I memorized the periodic table for a starter But apparently these females only want a vacant martyr A knuckle dragging neanderthal who cannot spell his name While I am left to suffer this insufferable game It is hypergamy, clearly, it's a structural defect That they cannot recognize the peak of male intellect [Chorus] Oh, the absolute indignity of modern day romance A gentleman of culture never even gets a chance I'm trapped inside the friend zone with my Earl Grey and my pride While the hooligans and scoundrels take the maidens for a ride (Take them for a ride, what a travesty!) I'm the quintessential chap, a veritable prize But chivalry is dying right before my very eyes [Bridge: Plucked harpsichord solo fading into boom bap] [Beat drops back in heavy] They call me an involuntary celibate, how crass I am voluntarily avoiding all the lower class If women were logical, they would clearly see the math But they choose the rocky road over the manicured path (Such a shame!) I tip my fedora, wait, scratch that, it is a trilby My heart is growing colder than a winter up in Grimsby [Verse 3] So I will retreat to the study with a vintage glass of port And compose another monologue of this distinct resort I will polish up my monocle and fiercely stroke my chin Awaiting the exact moment my vengeance will begin I am beta to their alpha only if you use their chart But I am the undiscovered apex of the gentlemanly art They will realize their blunder in a decade, maybe two When Chadwick gets a paunch and does not know what to do Until that faithful day I will remain sharply dressed and bitter And broadcast my displeasure in a manifesto on Twitter [Chorus] Oh, the absolute indignity of modern day romance A gentleman of culture never even gets a chance I'm trapped inside the friend zone with my Earl Grey and my pride While the hooligans and scoundrels take the maidens for a ride (Take them for a ride, what a travesty!) I'm the quintessential chap, a veritable prize But chivalry is dying right before my very eyes [Outro] [Beat slows down, scratching fades out] Reginald, fetch the motorcar. We are leaving this wretched establishment. (Right away, sir!) Good day to you. I said, good day! [Final record scratch and silence]
