I stopped taking the pills on a Tuesday Not because I wanted to But because I needed to know If there was anything left of me Underneath the chemicals The doctor said "don't go cold turkey" But I needed to feel something Even if that something Was falling apart Week one, I'm crying at commercials Week two, I can't get out of bed Week three, I'm laughing at nothing Week four, I don't know who I am Without the medication telling me Am I the person on the pills? Or the person without them? Am I the calm or the chaos? The functional or the free? I'M ON A MEDICATION VACATION TRYING TO FIND WHO I WAS BEFORE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I LIKED THAT PERSON ANYMORE THE CHEMICALS KEPT ME STABLE BUT THEY ALSO KEPT ME NUMB NOW I'M FEELING EVERYTHING AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE IS REAL THE MEDICATED OR THE RAW Colors are brighter Or maybe too bright I can't tell the difference Between vivid and overwhelming My thoughts are faster Or maybe just louder My emotions are bigger Or maybe just unmanaged My wife says "you're different" But she can't say if it's better or worse Just different And I don't know if different Is who I'm supposed to be Or who I'm running from (Building intensity) The ADHD is back Full force, no filter Ideas spinning faster than I can catch them Starting seventeen things Finishing none The anxiety is sharper Every sound is a threat Every silence is judgment Every moment is too much (Pre-Chorus - desperate) But I'm also more creative More alive More ME I'M ON A MEDICATION VACATION AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'M DROWNING OR FLYING EVERYTHING FEELS SO INTENSE I CAN'T TELL IF I'M LIVING OR DYING THE PILLS MADE ME FUNCTIONAL BUT DID THEY MAKE ME FALSE? NOW I'M UNMEDICATED AND UNRAVELING AND I CAN'T TELL WHICH VERSION IS THE LIE I'm not saying medication is bad. It saved my life. Multiple times. But I need to know If there's a version of me That can exist Without chemical intervention. Or if the chemicals ARE the intervention That makes existence possible. (Building, strings returning) And maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm not supposed to be "Natural" or "unmedicated." Maybe my brain needs help. Maybe that's not weakness. (Rising, emotional intensity) But right now, In week five of this vacation, I'm cycling faster than I can process. Hyperfocus for six hours. Can't focus for six minutes. Euphoric in the morning. Suicidal by lunch. Creative explosion. Executive dysfunction. (Voice breaking) I'm more ME. But I'm also more UNSTABLE. And I don't know Which one I'm supposed to choose. DO I WANT TO BE STABLE AND NUMB? OR UNSTABLE AND ALIVE? DO I WANT TO FUNCTION? OR DO I WANT TO FEEL? WHY CAN'T I HAVE BOTH? WHY DO I HAVE TO CHOOSE? MEDICATION VACATION BUT I'M NOT ON VACATION I'M IN FREEFALL WEEK ONE: WITHDRAWAL WEEK TWO: UNRAVELING WEEK THREE: WHO AM I? WEEK FOUR: HELP (Rapid, overlapping) Am I creative or manic? Am I passionate or unstable? Am I authentic or unmanaged? Am I free or falling? I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW I'M ON A MEDICATION VACATION AND I THINK I'M READY TO COME BACK NOT BECAUSE THE PILLS MAKE ME SOMEONE ELSE BUT BECAUSE WITHOUT THEM I CAN'T FUNCTION ENOUGH TO BE MYSELF THE MEDICATION ISN'T THE LIE IT'S THE TOOL THAT LETS ME LIVE AND MAYBE THAT'S ENOUGH MAYBE I DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHO I'D BE WITHOUT IT Maybe the medicated version Is still me Just me With support I'm going back on the medication tomorrow. Not because I failed. Not because I'm weak. Because I learned That my brain needs help. And help doesn't make me less real. The vacation's over. And I'm okay with that.
