[Intro: spoken, county fair crowd murmur, gavel bang] Alright, y'all, sit down, sit down. Lot number one. Somebody start me at fifty. Bang. [Verse 1: steady Southern build, sixteenth notes, organ and bass] County fair in August and the heat is on the tin Got a gavel in my fist and a toothpick in my grin Granddaddy was an auctioneer, he taught me how to talk Said the money's in the mouth, so make the mouth outrun the clock Front row full of farmers fanning faces with the flyers Back row full of cousins and a couple certified liars First lot's a riding mower, only runs if you push it Second lot's a recliner and my Uncle Hollis is still in it Third lot's a church organ, only plays a single key Hold it down long enough and it sounds like Sunday to me Lady in the visor got her paddle in the air She was swatting at a wasp, but I'm counting it, I don't care [Hook: chanted call-and-response, half-time, crowd gang vocals] Going once! (Going once!) Going twice! (Going twice!) Sold to the back row, pay me the price Keep your hands down, don't you scratch your nose Scratch it at my auction and you bought a goat Sold! (Sold!) Sold to the back row! [Double-Time Switch: sixteenth-note triplets, auction chant feel, crisp] Riding mower who'll gimme fifty gimme sixty gimme seventy it's missing every blade but it's a beauty Got a bid up in the bleachers from a preacher in a camo hat who's bidding like it is his Christian duty Then the recliner with my uncle in it hundred hundred twenty hundred forty and he's sleeping like a tractor Sold for one-sixty to a lady with a lanyard and she's rolling him away and he's waving like an actor Church organ only plays a B flat but it's holy and I'm selling it for ninety to the preacher with a nod He's been bidding on everything and I'm thinking that the camo is a costume and the preacher is a fraud [Triplet Bounce: swung triplets, punchy, groove over speed] Bidding is bouncing from a bucket hat to a cowboy hat to a baby in a stroller with a bottle in the air Hold up the baby didn't bid but mama nodded so I'm counting it and selling her a tire and a folding chair Clicking it ticking it picking it flipping it selling it telling it sold to the corner with the coupon and the cane Paddles are flapping and grandmas are clapping and somebody's cattle are laughing and the sky's about to rain [Hook: chanted call-and-response, half-time, crowd gang vocals] Going once! (Going once!) Going twice! (Going twice!) Sold to the back row, pay me the price Keep your hands down, don't you scratch your nose Scratch it at my auction and you bought a goat Sold! (Sold!) Sold to the back row! [Bridge: half-time breath reset, spoken, organ holding one note] Lot forty-seven. A goat. His name is Deacon. He bites. He sings. He's been to county jail. Twice. Starting bid. Somebody. Anybody. Please take Deacon. [Chopper Burst: thirty-second notes, fastest part, crisp consonants] Who'll gimme ten for the goat gimme twenty for the goat gimme thirty for a goat that bit the vet and then he bit the vet's pet Forty in the corner fifty in the bleachers sixty from a fella with a mullet and a mustache and a soggy cigarette Now Deacon's eating on a sun hat and he's singing in the key of B flat with the organ that I sold to the preacher in the stands Seventy eighty ninety hundred who'll gimme hundred ten and the goat is up and kicking at the gavel and he's biting on my hands [Breath Reset: half-time, spoken] Hold on. He got my gavel. Shit. [Chopper Burst: thirty-second notes, final run, crisp consonants] Now the paddles popping up like popcorn in a skillet hundred twenty hundred thirty hundred forty and the bleachers getting rowdy Hundred fifty to the trucker hundred sixty to the lady in the visor who is swatting at the wasp and hollering howdy Then a hand came up from somewhere in the back behind the hay bales and the whole damn arena turned around to see the mystery bidder It's my uncle in the recliner that I sold about an hour ago and now he's bidding on the goat and he's gonna be the winner [Hook: chanted call-and-response, half-time, crowd gang vocals, final] Going once! (Going once!) Going twice! (Going twice!) Sold to the back row, pay me the price Keep your hands down, don't you scratch your nose Scratch it at my auction and you bought a goat Sold! (Sold!) Sold to the back row! [Outro: spoken, crowd laughing, goat bleat, gavel bang] Sold. To the back row. Uncle Hollis. Sir. You can't bid. You're merchandise.
