I loved you In the ways I could Us being nothing To each other Fuck you Just a housemate that Would bend over for you And a second class friend Fuck you I laughed with you And played parkour Jumping off curbs Eating the wild alley fruits Kicking stones Camping in the Summer Cabin in the trees Sky full of stars Anxiety in our chests We danced together Hundreds of times And slid into each other's bodies Even more than that I fucked you I took you in my mouth at streams In hot tubs Cars and forests We cuddled every night Stroking each other's hair I cried myself to sleep So many nights Fuck you Wishing you would love me Deeply as I did you But you couldn't see me Or hear me Or want to know my inner landscape Unless my face was pressed into the blankets Rocking with the force of you Behind me Fuck me How many times did you lay your head In my lap on the couch And we sat in silence A cup of steaming tea Silent tears rolling down my face Feeling so happy And also unloved Fuck you And angry And worthless And wishing someone called me sweetie Loving you all the while Knowing the clock was ticking Remembering is a bitch Forgetting is my desire Letting go of what I never had The nothing of those many years Fading into oblivion Letting it all crash on the rocks I never love halfway Your kisses were my world I would go to the school concerts Just for extra time with you Although we lived together I knew it wasn't forever And I wanted to enjoy holding your hand In the car Fuck you As we sang 90s songs And I got high secondhand We carved out something together Fuck you An inkling of an almost life But it was just an illusion And now it's gone Dust in the wind
