[Verse 1] Woke up this morning to a minor inconvenience, Now I’m interrogating all my household appliances. Got my face six inches from a suspicious-looking sock, Spent ten whole minutes trying to question a clock. I’m frisking every cushion, got the couch on parole, Found three dead batteries and a cinnamon roll. I’m running an investigation with disastrous logistics, Need my fucking glasses just to find my fucking glasses. [Pre-Chorus 1] I’ve got twenty-twenty vision in my imagination, But I’m losing my shit in this blurry situation. I’m squinting at a stain like it’s photographic evidence, And blaming all the furniture for hiding my prescription lenses. [Chorus] I need my glasses to find my glasses, This is a crisis of optical masses. Can’t see the table, can’t see the floor, Just walked into something that wasn’t a door. I’m blind as a bat with a master’s in panic, My search-and-rescue methods are wildly erratic. Somebody help me, this shit is traumatic— I need my glasses to find my damn glasses! [Verse 2] I’ve accused the refrigerator, interrogated the sink, Spent five whole minutes trying to make a houseplant think. Got my man in the hallway conducting a sweep, While I’m threatening a pillow that’s just trying to sleep. I’ve developed a theory, there’s a criminal ring, Of household appliances stealing my things. I’m one bad decision from dismantling the mattress, And I STILL need my glasses to find my damn glasses. [Pre-Chorus 2] My man’s asking questions like, “Where’d you last see ‘em?” I said, “If I knew that, don’t you think I could retrieve ‘em?” He’s checking the kitchen, I’m checking the stairs, We’re two grown adults playing hide-and-seek with eyewear. [Chorus] I need my glasses to find my glasses, This is a crisis of optical masses. Can’t see the table, can’t see the floor, Just walked into something that wasn’t a door. I’m blind as a bat with a master’s in panic, My search-and-rescue methods are wildly erratic. Somebody help me, this shit is traumatic— I need my glasses to find my damn glasses! [Bridge] I’ve retraced my steps, I’ve questioned my choices, I’m hearing accusations from inanimate voices. The couch has an alibi, the nightstand looks shady, I’m arguing with furniture like a completely sane lady. My man’s getting quiet, he’s holding back laughter, I’m three bad decisions from a household disaster. He says, “Babe, I found ’em!” I say, “WHERE? GIVE ME THAT!” They were under the blanket. Well, how ’bout that? [Final Chorus] I need my glasses to find my glasses, This is a crisis of optical masses. Can’t see the table, can’t see the floor, Just walked into something that wasn’t a door. I’m blind as a bat with a master’s in panic, My search-and-rescue methods are wildly erratic. Somebody help me, this shit is traumatic— I need my glasses to find my damn glasses! [Spoken Outro] “Okay, crisis averted.” [Pause] “…Has anybody seen my phone?”
