[Intro] (Check the levels, Jeeves) (One, two, three, four) (Adjust your cravat, it’s about to get rather messy) [Verse 1] I stepped out of the carriage with a swagger so refined With a pocket full of sovereign and a filthy bloody mind I’m the peak of British breeding, I’m the cream of the crop But I’ll drop a rhyming sequence that’ll make your monocle pop I’ve got a thousand and one ways to ruin your reputation A lyrical debasement of this once great noble nation My bassline is active, it’s bouncing in the hall While I’m sketching crude depictions on the conservatory wall (He’s sketching on the wall!) Yes, I’m quite the virtuoso with a quill and a tongue I’ve been scandalous and wicked since the day that I was young. [Chorus] Oh, it’s cavernous and dry, like a cellar full of gin The bass is bouncing heavy for the state we’re currently in It’s chap hop, you blighter, with a vulgar little twist The kind of rhythmic beating that simply cannot be missed (Stiff upper lip, now) (Keep it bouncy, lads) [Verse 2] I’ve got a valet named Jenkins who can hide a dozen bodies While I’m drinking gin and tonics with the local village hoddies My flow is like the Thames, it’s polluted and it’s deep I’ll wake the Queen of England from her long and royal sleep I’m the master of the insult, the king of the double entendre I’ll make you lose your trousers from here to the tundra Don’t talk to me of tea unless it’s laced with something potent I’m the most atrocious gentleman, I’m practically a rodent (He’s a rat in a top hat!) I’ll take your silver service and I’ll melt it for a chain I’m a Victorian disaster with a very warped brain. [Chorus] Oh, it’s cavernous and dry, like a cellar full of gin The bass is bouncing heavy for the state we’re currently in It’s chap hop, you blighter, with a vulgar little twist The kind of rhythmic beating that simply cannot be missed. [Bridge] [Bass Solo - Deep, active, percussive plucking] (Good heavens, the floorboards are vibrating) (Mind the china, mother!) Ninety beats per minute, it’s the pace of a heart Before I tear your social standing completely apart [Pizzicato Cello Breakdown] [Verse 3] So if you see me in the club with a pipe and a sneer You’d better grab your lady and you’d better disappear I’m a front-loaded menace with a dry, punchy kick And my vocabulary’s long while your intellect is thick I’m the Earl of Indecency, the Duke of the Dirt I’ll leave you in the garden with a very stained shirt I’ve got ninety-nine problems but a waist-coat ain't one Now let’s finish off the brandy because I’m nearly done. [Outro] (Absolutely disgraceful) (We shall never speak of this again) (Fetch the carriage, Jenkins) (And the bleach) (One final thump for the road) [Final heavy bass pluck] [Fade out with vinyl crackle]
