Nothing as a Service

[INTRO – spoken, PatchCordian™ noodling underneath] Everything’s “as a Service” now. Software as a Service. Infrastructure as a Service. Platform as a Service. Apparently we looked at owning things and thought, “Can we make this worse monthly?” So I’ve been thinking... [VERSE 1 – GaaS] Guilt as a Service, my mother’s on Pro, She’s had my subscription since years ago. No trial period, no opt-out clause, Just, “Don’t mind me, dear,” and a meaningful pause. The church has a package, my mother has more, She’ll make me feel guilty for closing a door. I tried to cancel, I tried to withdraw, She said, “That’s quite all right.” ...and upgraded my ma. [CHORUS] Same old shit, brand-new fee, Now it’s got a login and a guarantee. They’ve monetised the misery and itemised the sass, Congratulations, darling: You’ve been aaS’d! [VERSE 2 – RaaS] Rage as a Service, delivered online, I logged in for kittens at quarter past nine. By ten I was furious, nobody knows why, Some bastard named Keith thinks the moon’s in the sky. I typed out a thesis, I cited a chart, Called Keith an idiot, straight from the heart. Then somebody answered, “Well, actually...” and I cancelled my evening to yell at a man. [CHORUS] Same old shit, brand-new fee, Now it’s got a login and a guarantee. They’ve monetised the misery and itemised the sass, Congratulations, darling: You’ve been aaS’d! [VERSE 3 – DaaS] Disappointment as a Service, dating app tier, “Meet better people!” It says right here. So I paid for Premium, Platinum too, And found the same bastards with a better review. He’s six foot four, according to Matt, He’s five foot eight and we’ll leave it at that. His profile says “entrepreneur, traveller, chef.” He sells vape pens and once went to Perth. [BRIDGE – spoken realization] Wait. Guilt costs money. Rage costs money. Disappointment costs money. I pay for television and there’s nothing to watch. I pay for music and half of it disappears. I pay for storage to store things on a computer I don’t own in a building I’ve never seen. I pay for dating and remain single. I think I’ve worked it out. It’s all... [BREAKDOWN] Nothing as a Service! NaaS! You own nothing! You keep nothing! You cancel nothing without finding a hidden menu! NaaS! Your payment is important to us. Your problem, apparently, isn’t. [FINAL CHORUS – huge PatchCordian™ crescendo] Same old shit, brand-new fee, Now it’s got a login and a guarantee. They’ve monetised the misery and itemised the sass, Congratulations, darling: THE WHOLE WORLD’S BEEN aaS’d! [OUTRO – music abruptly stops] This song was provided as a service. The chorus renews automatically. To cancel, please contact Keith. [beat] Keith has disabled his account.