We Ain’t Heroes

[Verse 1. Starts slow] The dragon’s torching half the kingdom, the king calls for the bold, The chosen one’s off napping somewhere with a cold. We’re five misfits at the back of the hall, boots muddy, swords dented, The prophecy skipped us clean—guess we’re the ones who’ve repented! [Verse 2. Building up] The Barbarian’s got one good eye, the Wizard’s book’s upside-down, The Thief lost his lucky dagger in a barmaid’s wedding gown. The Cleric prays to three gods at once (they’re all kinda mad), And I’m a paladin who trips on roots—oath’s the best thing I’ve had! [Chorus. Loud and cheering] We ain’t heroes, no capes or crowns, no ancient blood divine— We’re the fools who’ll probably die, but hell, the line’s gotta shine! Raise your mugs to the long-shot quest, the dice that mock our name— We’ll charge the dark though it eats us whole, ‘cause somebody’s gotta play the game! [Verse 3. Shouting] The goblin king’s got traps for days, we trigger every one, The Wizard polymorphs the Thief into… a startled nun! The Barbarian hugs the troll real tight—squeezes till it pops, I call the vines to save the day—they trip us into props! [Verse 4. Intense climax] The final boss looms tall and grim, we’re down to tooth and nail, Our spells fizzle, arrows glance off—gods, this quest’s a fail! But we stand up bleeding, grinning wide, with one last stupid yell— If heroes won’t save the world today, then bloody well, we will! [Final Chorus. Laughing and celebratory] We ain’t heroes, no tales or tomes, no glory etched in stone— We’re the idiots who probably die, but we’ll die never alone! Raise your mugs to the ragged charge, the luck that pulls us through— We’ll fail spectacular, laugh like mad, and the bards’ll sing of fools like you.