[Intro] Yeah... Platform nine. You know what fucking time it is. One engine. Six carriages. Whole lotta bad decisions. All aboard, motherfucker. [Verse 1] I rolled out the shed with a criminal grin Coal in my belly and a bottle of gin Fat Controller called, said, "Where you been?" I said, "Mind your damn business, I'm the king of steam" Got a gold-plated whistle and a platinum track Whole yard goes quiet when I'm pulling in back Percy owes money, Gordon owes respect James got repossessed, now he's riding the deck Got a first-class carriage with a velvet interior Your little diesel engine's looking fucking inferior Ain't got no tyres, still I'm making them spin Got a hundred-ton body and a lightweight grin They said, "Slow down, there's a bend up ahead" I said, "Fuck that sign, I'm collecting my bread" Signal turned red, but the crew turned green I'm the dirtiest bastard that you've ever seen [Chorus] CHOO CHOO, motherfucker, move! Big black engine with a bad attitude Steam in the sky, bass in the floor Knock knock, bitch, who's at the door? L.O.C.O., rolling through the station Full-speed felony, railway domination CHOO CHOO, motherfucker, GO! Everybody knows when the locomotive rolls [Verse 2] I got fifty fake tickets and a counterfeit pass A diamond-encrusted chimney and a first-class ass Got a guard in the back selling snacks for a tenner He charged me fifteen, so I fired the fella Percy pulled up looking green with envy Said my reputation's getting rather unhealthy I said, "Little green bitch, you're a fucking disgrace I got more horsepower standing still in one place" Gordon keeps bragging 'bout the speed of his run But he needs three platforms just to turn the cunt James got polished till his paintwork gleamed Then I rolled through his station and fucking steamed The signalman panicked, the passengers screamed I was three stops late but the buffet was clean Got a pocket full of coal and a suspicious briefcase Told the railway police, "That's a personal space" They asked for my licence, I said, "What licence?" He looked at my wheels and requested compliance I blew my whistle right into his face Then reversed two inches just to win the chase [Chorus] CHOO CHOO, motherfucker, move! Big black engine with a bad attitude Steam in the sky, bass in the floor Knock knock, bitch, who's at the door? L.O.C.O., rolling through the station Full-speed felony, railway domination CHOO CHOO, motherfucker, GO! Everybody knows when the locomotive rolls [Verse 3] I was born in the furnace, raised on the rail Got a criminal record and a chimney for mail Sixteen tons of steel with a dangerous swagger One wrong switch and I'm gone off the planner Used to haul little parcels for a couple of quid Now I own three depots and a suspicious bridge Got a solicitor waiting at the end of the line Said my last twelve journeys were eleven new crimes Fat Controller walked up with his hands on his waist Said, "You've brought this railway into terrible disgrace" I said, "Brother, look around, I built half this place Now get your fucking clipboard out my personal space" Got the stationmaster sweating through his uniform Every time I pull in there's another shitstorm They tried putting clamps on my wheels last night But I dragged half the station to the depot by nine No brakes on the beat, no fear in the cab Got a little brass bell and a heavyweight jab They call me unreliable, vulgar, obscene But I'm always on time when they're paying for steam [Bridge] You hear that? That's not thunder. That's not an earthquake. That's six hundred tons of extremely poor judgement. And I'm running fucking express. [Final Chorus] CHOO CHOO, motherfucker, move! Big black engine with a bad attitude Steam in the sky, bass in the floor Knock knock, bitch, who's at the door? L.O.C.O., rolling through the station Full-speed felony, railway domination CHOO CHOO, motherfucker, GO! Everybody knows when the locomotive rolls [Outro] Next stop... Your fucking neighbourhood. Mind the gap.
