Hazmat. Acid flashbacks turned me into a Jackass Bam Margera rockin’ Pantera, Hanna-Barbera, souped up like Panera. Care Bears, Tears for Fears, Mike Tyson eating ears, Full House and Cheers. Jack Tripper, Yak sipper, fumbling for Cinderella’s glass slipper. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Master Splinter’s your transistor while playing a Twisted Sister cover of Michael Jackson’s Thriller. Joan Rivers delivers stolen human livers while Dennis Miller cries me a river. Shiver me timbers. Captain Jack Sparrow, weirdo apparel, sunken lost treasure, scrolls of ancient pharaohs deep in Davy Jones’ locker. The Monkees bother Mister Rogers by stealing his blue blockers when he went to meet the Fockers on a blind date with Cyndi Lauper and Wendy Whoppers on a custom-built chopper asking, “Where’s John Connor?” Lookin’ for answers in Canada with Hannah Montana, singin’ Bananarama on yo gabba gabba with uncle grandpa, Alyssa Milano and Tony Danza who’s the boss with the extra sauce? Ride Like the Wind with Christopher Cross, makin’ happy mistakes like Bob Ross at great value cost. Bill Cosby, hiding behind the couch, waiting for the ladies to pass out so he could put his pudding pop in their mouth. Loose when I flirt, seducin’ the Hooters clerk who’s wearin’ a skirt. Smokin’ two-footers with Lucifer, entombed in dirt. “Oh yeah!” Kool-Aid Man catchin’ a fade and a tan, with a grenade in his hand at a lemonade stand. Very amusing. Big teeth like Gary Busey. I Love Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Stone Temple Pilots with Scott Weiland, singin’ Quiet Riot. License to Drive it. Tattoo on a Fantasy Island. “De plane! De plane!” Spark Mary Jane and sniff ‘cane with Rick James. Spit flames like dungeons and imagine dragons. Toe taggin’, poplock to a backspin. Flyin’ high like a magic carpet—Aladdin, genie lantern, ring of Saturn, sing in patterns. Dukes of Hazzard. Master Blaster, beyond the Thunderdome. Fallout disaster. Reduced to Casper, the ghost with the most, Beetlejuice hung by a rope with a feeble noose. Seduce Mother Goose, she gotta loose caboose. Bullwinkle J. Moose. Knuckle loosen the buckle as she suckles the love muscle, while you watch like a cuckold. That’s how you livin’. Like Robin Givens and Richard Simmons, sweatin’ to the oldies with grey-haired women. With the Get Along Gang that can’t hang like Robin Williams. Mork and Mindy. Windy City. Princess Peach, lookin’ pretty in pink. Missing link. Cro-Magnon caveman stuck in quicksand. Pitfall Harry. Moe, Curly, and Larry with Katy Perry and Mariah Carey, singing Iggy Pop and the Stooges. Elusive blueprint. Cloak and dagger. Jimmy Swaggart, Mick Jagger, on The X Factor with Blondie, singin’ “La-dee-da-dee, we like to party” at Hardee’s or Arby’s with Cardi B.
