[Verse 1] Tip-tap, slip-slash, inkpot down the stair, Peevesie’s in the corridor pulling at your hair. First years walking single-file? Filthy little treat— watch them jump a mile high squeaking in their sheets. Flip-flop, chalk-drop, stinkbomb in the stew, Filch comes limping red-faced yelling “I KNOW IT WAS YOU.” Well of course it was, you wheezing sack of dust, keys all jangling-angling-green with corridor rust. Peeves don’t creep. Peeves arrives. Crash-bang, glass-sang, suits of armor shout, candles coughing smoke rings while the ghosts drift out. Bloody Baron glides by—everyone goes stiff. Me? I blow raspberries off the chandelier and dip. [Hook] Ring the bells, slam the doors, mud on the ceiling, mud on the floors. Crybaby, sly baby, prefects all twitch— Hogwarts only breathes proper when the castle’sitched. Hiccup, kick-up, racket in the hall— Peevesie keeps the lovely little place alive at all. [Verse 2] Catch me in the rafters humming funeral tunes, watching Percy polish badges by the light of moons. Oh Percy-poor-Percy, posture straight as sticks— people built like rulebooks break the fastest when they split. Snape stalking black-robed, greasy-nosed bat, students freeze solid every time he snaps. Peeves flew backward spelling rude things in smoke— thought his left eye twitched. Nearly made me choke. Riddle-rattle, kettle-burn, Myrtle starts to sob, water from the lavatory flooding past the knobs. Everybody hates her till the crying finally stops— funny how dead girls suddenly grow popular. Tiny little Potter with the lightning-split head, whole school buzzing-buzzing every word he said. Chosen this, chosen that, famous tragic face— still looked eleven when he wandered through the place. [Bridge] Clatter-clack, bladder-black bats in the belfry, teachers talking softly like the children cannot tell things. War in the walls now, whispers through the stairwells, Peevesie hears everything—pipes talk very well. Fred laughed loudest. George laughed longer. Castle shook harder. Songs got stronger. Students crying hidden in the paintings after curfew, Death Eaters stomping mud where the old house-elves worked through. And me? Swooping overhead singing rude rhymes during battle. Honestly, somebody had to. [Verse 3] Chaos isn’t wicked when the wicked own the rules. Sometimes havoc’s all that’s left for ghosts and fools. Ministry men love order, lines and polished shoes— till the chandeliers come loose. Whizzbang, fizz-crack, desklegs through the air, Umbridge twitching-pitching while I yank her stupid hair. Oho! Sweetest day Hogwarts ever saw— pink bits running squealing through the corridor. Even Dumbledore laughed sometimes. Tiny smile. Half-hidden. Wise old wizard understood castles rot when nobody misbehaves inside them. That’s why Peeves stays. Scratch-screech, match-flare, racket without end, every ancient school requires one dreadful little friend. Children come and children go frightened, strange and tall— Peevesie’s still dancing dirty on the castle walls. [Final Hook] Ring the bells, break the glass, slide across the staircase fast. Crybaby, sly baby, teachers all pale— Peevesie’s laughing through the thunder and the wailing. Tip-tap, slip-slash, laughter down the hall— Hogwarts isn’t Hogwarts without chaos in the walls. [Outro] Bells ring—hell sing—banisters bending, Peevesie shrieking while the staircases ending, chalk-dust, lock-bust, armor suits spinning—
