(Intro - jangly guitars, cheerful despite the title) (Verse 1 - deadpan delivery, British wit) I'm a kettle that forgot how to boil A crumpet left out in the rain A biscuit that's lost all its structural integrity When dunked in existential pain She's a Sunday roast at Tuesday prices A Tesco meal deal past its prime We're both reduced-to-clear at Sainsbury's Looking for somebody to buy our time (Pre-Chorus - building, ironic) We're apologizing For simply existing Very British Isn't it? (Chorus - anthemic, tongue-in-cheek) We're teabags and existential dread Living in a country that's perpetually wet Queueing for meaning in our lives While discussing weather and Digestive biscuits, right? Teabags and existential dread Keep calm and carry on, they said But the milk's gone off and the tea's gone cold And we're too polite to be told! (Woo-hoo!) (Verse 2 - more metaphors, dry humor) I'm a phone box that nobody uses Standing there looking quite quaint You're a red bus with no destination We're both heritage but we ain't I'm the queen on a fifty pence piece Emotionless, small, and metallic You're a pigeon in Trafalgar Square Our relationship's quite symbolic We're both monuments to a bygone age Preserved but utterly useless Like the monarchy or the railway system Expensive and rather confusing (Pre-Chorus) We're complaining While remaining Ever so polite Isn't that right? (Chorus - bigger) We're teabags and existential dread Having a crisis but jolly well-bred Stiff upper lip while we fall apart Very British, bless our hearts! Teabags and existential dread Too awkward to say what should be said So we talk about weather and trains instead That's teabags and existential dread! (Woo-hoo!) (Bridge - spoken word, dripping with irony) Monday: realized I'm a metaphor for Britain Declining empire, slightly damp, overpriced tea Tuesday: had an emotional breakthrough Made a cup of tea about it Wednesday: Brexit means Brexit But what does Brexit mean? Nobody knows Had another cup of tea Thursday: apologized to a lamp post for existing Friday: went to the pub Solved exactly zero problems Saturday: Tesco Metro Sunday: roast at mum's Pretended everything's fine (Instrumental - quirky British rock) (Verse 3 - satirical brilliance) We're fish and chips wrapped in yesterday's news Getting cold while we read about our doom We're lukewarm beer at a pub quiz Where all the answers make you feel like a prat I'm a passive-aggressive note about the washing up You're an unsent complaint to customer service We're both bottling it up magnificently In true British fashion, it's making us nervous (Final Chorus - triumphant sarcasm) WE'RE TEABAGS AND EXISTENTIAL DREAD EMOTIONAL RANGE OF A GARDEN SHED SUPPRESSING FEELINGS SINCE 1066 THAT'S OUR CULTURAL MIX! TEABAGS AND EXISTENTIAL DREAD TUTTING QUIETLY INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY EXPRESSING HOW WE FEEL ISN'T REPRESSION SURREAL? WE'RE TEABAGS AND EXISTENTIAL DREAD QUEUING POLITELY FOR THE END OF CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT BUT MUSTN'T GRUMBLE, MUSTN'T SHOW IT! (Outro - cheerfully miserable) (Woo-hoo!) That's very British! (Woo-hoo!) Terribly sorry! (Woo-hoo!) Teabags and dread! Jolly good!
