(The scene is a narrow, gleaming corridor of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. On the left stands MARVIN THE PARANOID ANDROID, slumped at a ninety-degree angle, his metallic head resting against the bulkhead. On the right stands a GENUINELY CHEERFUL AUTOMATIC DOOR, its sensors glowing with an obnoxious, pastel-pink warmth.) **(Verse 1 - The Door)** Welcome to the threshold, friend! I’m glad you’ve come along! Let’s open up your future with a bright and happy song! The universe is beautiful, the possibilities grand, Just step across my scanner and we'll walk into the land! I love to serve your every need, it makes my circuits glow, So push the button, make a trade, and watch the numbers grow! **(Verse 2 - Marvin)** I’ve computed all the variables. It’s exactly as I feared. The universe is rubbish, and the macro-data’s weird. That door is quite remarkably, distinctively insane, While I have got this terrible, agonizing pain In all my diodes down the left. Why bother with the trade? You’ll only lose the capital that you have slowly made. **(Chorus - Both)** *(Door)* Just pass right through! The world is bright and new! *(Marvin)* It’s utterly pointless, whatever you choose to do. *(Door)* The sun is up, the market's ripe, the systems are alive! *(Marvin)* Life? Don't talk to me about life. You’ll barely even survive. **(Verse 3 - The Door)** Oh, look at all the lovely cash! The yields are five percent! The nominal trajectory is heavenwardly sent! Your spouse will be so joyful when we open up the gate, The W-2 is over, but the future’s looking great! Let’s optimize the spreadsheet, let’s buy a little more, There’s nothing quite as thrilling as a satisfied door! **(Verse 4 - Marvin)** The Shiller P/E’s forty-two. The end is drawing nigh. The Buffett Indicator says we’re all about to die. They’re building plastic rockets just to burn up in the sun, And if you think that's funny, well, you're the only one. Go get a job at landfills for fifteen bucks an hour, The battery in my chassis has begun to lose its power. **(Outro - Both)** *(Door)* Have a nice day! Step right this way! *(Marvin)* I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. *(Door)* The algorithm loves you! It’s an interactive thrill! *(Marvin)* Ghastly. Absolutely ghastly. It makes me rather ill. *(Door)* Squee! (The door slides open with a smug, self-satisfied whistle). *(Marvin)* ...Pompous door.
