[Spoken Intro – dry confused British female voice] “Who the fuck is Rachel?” [Pause] “And why am I bringing potato salad?” [Upbeat guitar riff kicks in] [Verse 1 – fast playful female punk vocal] Phone lights up at half past nine, twenty-seven messages deep. “Saturday still good for everyone?” “Can somebody bring something to eat?” Never seen these fucking numbers. Don't recognise a single name. Could just leave the conversation. But where's the fun in that? Scroll back up. Apparently Mark has pissed somebody off again. Lisa says she's done with him. Rachel sends, “That's what you said last time.” Ooh. Okay. I'm listening. Don't know what the fuck this is, But I've cancelled what I'm doing. I need context for this shit. [Pre-Chorus – playful build] Could say, “Wrong number.” Could leave without a trace. Instead somebody asks, “Does everyone think Rachel was out of place?” [Brief pause] No. Rachel was fucking right. [Chorus – huge upbeat punk vocal] I'M IN THE WRONG GROUP CHAT! I DON'T KNOW ANYONE! BUT MARK'S CLEARLY FUCKING LYING AND THIS SHIT HAS JUST BEGUN! I'M IN THE WRONG GROUP CHAT! I WAS NEVER MEANT TO SEE! BUT I'VE READ FOUR MONTHS OF MESSAGES— THESE PEOPLE MATTER NOW TO ME! [Bright energetic guitar hook] [Verse 2 – quick storytelling vocal] By eleven I'm invested. Kevin says he'll drive us there. Us? Interesting choice of language. Apparently now I'm fucking there. Someone asks about the booking. I say seven might be late. Lisa sends a little thumbs-up. Great. I've influenced the date. Rachel asks if Mark is coming. Mark immediately disappears. Three people start typing. Stop. Start typing. This is fucking serious. Then some bloke called Daniel writes, “Can we not do this again?” Again?! There's history?! [Shout-sung] SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THEN! [Chorus – bigger] I'M IN THE WRONG GROUP CHAT! AND I'M WAY TOO FUCKING DEEP! I KNOW WHO'S BRINGING DRINKS NOW! I KNOW WHO DOESN'T EAT MEAT! I'M IN THE WRONG GROUP CHAT! I'VE GOT OPINIONS! I'VE GOT STAKES! RACHEL SHOULD NOT APOLOGISE! AND SEVEN'S DEFINITELY TOO LATE! [Instrumental Break – playful melodic guitar lead, bouncing bass] [Verse 3 – faster playful vocal] Half past twelve, new complication: Someone's changed the restaurant. Kevin says there's no parking. Daniel says there definitely is. Mark returns with, “What's the issue?” Oh, you brave and stupid man. Rachel types a full paragraph. Mark responds: “Okay.” [Music briefly drops] Oh no. No, Mark. Absolutely fucking not. You don't reply “Okay” to six paragraphs and think that's where it stops. Now I'm typing. I shouldn't be typing. I don't even know these cunts. But I've watched this whole thing happen— [Shout-sung] AND RACHEL'S GOT A FUCKING POINT! [Chorus – energetic] I'M IN THE WRONG GROUP CHAT! I'VE FORGOTTEN I DON'T BELONG! I'M EXPLAINING MARK TO RACHEL LIKE I'VE KNOWN THEM ALL ALONG! I'M IN THE WRONG GROUP CHAT! SOMEONE JUST ASKED WHAT I THINK! THREE HOURS AGO I KNEW NOBODY— NOW I'M BRINGING FUCKING DRINKS! [Bridge – warm cheeky melodic vocal] Then Lisa finally asks it: “Sorry— who actually added you?” Good question. Kevin says it wasn't him. Rachel doesn't know. Daniel checks the members. Mark says, “Wait. Who the fuck are you?” [Brief musical pause] ... Honestly? No idea. [Band kicks back in] [Final Verse – fast joyful vocal] Turns out someone typed one digit wrong when adding somebody called Jane. That's how I got dragged into this completely unrelated chain. They apologise. Say I can leave. I stare down at the screen. Rachel sends: “You can stay if you want.” Well. That's fucking sweet. Then Kevin asks about Saturday. Lisa wants to book at eight. Daniel says the place is decent. Mark has wisely stopped debating. I could finally leave the group now. Probably what I ought to do. Instead I type: “I'll bring the potato salad.” [Shout-sung] FUCK IT. SEE YOU AT TWO! [Final Chorus – huge joyful punk vocal] I'M IN THE WRONG GROUP CHAT! BUT I'M STAYING ANYWAY! I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS FUCKING HAPPENED! I'VE GOT PLANS WITH THEM SATURDAY! I'M IN THE WRONG GROUP CHAT! NOW APPARENTLY WE'RE FRIENDS! ONE WRONG DIGIT, FOUR MONTHS OF DRAMA— AND I'M HERE UNTIL IT ENDS! RACHEL! DON'T APOLOGISE! KEVIN! PARK AROUND THE BACK! MARK! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, JUST SAY SORRY! [Shout-sung] I FUCKING LOVE THIS GROUP CHAT! [Final upbeat guitar riff] [Outro – spoken female voice, casual] “Wait. Who the fuck is Jane?”
