[Verse 1] I was sittin’ on a tailgate, drinkin’ warm-ass beer, When my old lady stomped outside and said, “Get your butt over here!” I said, “Honey, what’s the problem? Did I drink your last Bud Light?” She said, “You been actin’ like a dumbass, and we’re settlin’ this tonight!” I was wearin’ my camo britches, my NASCAR shirt was tight, Had a chew tucked in my lip and a mullet catchin’ light. Then she raised her damn boot up like a Texas tornado, And kicked me square in the manhood like a pissed-off desperado! [Chorus] She must have had a wide foot, ’cause she got both of ’em! Now I’m curled up on the gravel, screamin’, “Lord, don’t let me go!” My nuts went north, my knees went south, my soul left through my mouth, I saw Jesus, three raccoons, and the inside of a cow! She must have had a wide foot, must’ve been a size fifteen! I’ve been walkin’ like a cowboy with a cactus in my jeans! I ain’t scared of rattlesnakes, I ain’t scared of dynamite, But that woman’s got a boot that could end a barroom fight! [Verse 2] My cousin Earl came runnin’ with a bag of frozen peas, Said, “Boy, you look like roadkill that got hit by two SUVs!” Uncle Bubba yelled, “Walk it off!” while he cracked another beer, Then he saw the look upon my face and said, “I’ll wait right over here.” Mama called the preacher, Daddy called the cops, The sheriff took one look at me and laughed until he dropped. My brother brought a moonshine jug and said, “This oughta help ya heal,” I said, “Pour it on my forehead, man, I can’t feel nothin’ below the wheel!” [Chorus] She must have had a wide foot, ’cause she got both of ’em! Now I’m prayin’ to the Good Lord that I get to keep at least one! My nuts went north, my knees went south, my soul left through my mouth, Even the damn family dog won’t come and sniff around! She must have had a wide foot, must’ve been a size fifteen! I’ve been walkin’ like a cowboy with a cactus in my jeans! I ain’t scared of rattlesnakes, I ain’t scared of dynamite, But that woman’s got a boot that could end a barroom fight! [Verse 3] Now the boys down at the honky-tonk all know me by my name, They call me “Two-Step Tommy,” though I never dance the same. I sit sideways on a barstool, got a pillow in my truck, And if a woman raises up her foot, I yell, “Aw, shit! I’m outta luck!” I bought her roses, bought her diamonds, bought a brand-new riding mower, Installed a satellite dish and promised I’d be sober. She smiled and said, “You’re learnin’, babe,” then tapped her boot on the floor, I dove behind the refrigerator and crawled out through the door! [Bridge — Spoken, over a sad fiddle] Now, folks, I ain't sayin' my woman’s mean… But she once kicked a dent in my pickup truck. And that truck was parked in the driveway. I’m sleepin’ with a pillow between my legs tonight, boys. And I sure as hell ain’t askin’ her to put her boots on the right feet. [Final Chorus] She must have had a wide foot, ’cause she got both of ’em! Now I’m singin’ high soprano in the middle of a country song! My nuts went north, my knees went south, my soul left through my mouth, And the doctor said, “Son, you’re lucky you can still sit down!” She must have had a wide foot, I swear that boot was built for war! I’ve made peace with every woman from the holler to the shore! I ain’t scared of the devil, I ain’t scared of dynamite, But I’m sleepin’ in my hunting shack till she says the coast is right! [Outro — Spoken] So if you see me at the Walmart walkin’ bowlegged and slow, Don’t ask me what happened, boys… Just look down at her boots. ’Cause she got both of ’em. YEE-HAW! OW, GODDAMMIT!
